Showing posts with label Reality Bytes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reality Bytes. Show all posts

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Cleaning Out My Closet





"Cleanin
"Cleanin Out My Closet" by Eminem 

Where's my snare?
I have no snare in my headphones - there you go
Yeah... yo, yo
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have; I've been protested and demonstrated against
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times
Sick as the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind
All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's exploding
Tempers flaring from parents just blow 'em off and keep going
Not taking nothing from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathing
Keep kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening
Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth
See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out
Look at me now; I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you momma?
I'm a make you look so ridiculous now
I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet
Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet
And I don't know if no one knows it
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it
I'm a expose it; I'll take you back to '73
Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch
Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye
No I don't on second thought I just fucking wished he would die
I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leaving her side
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake
I maybe made some mistakes
But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take the bullets outta that gun
Cause I'da killed him; shit I would've shot Kim and him both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"
I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet
Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissing
But put yourself in my position; just try to envision
Witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen
Bitching that someone's always going through her purse and shit's missing
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchhausen's Syndrome
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach
Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma?
But guess what? You're getting older now and it's cold when your lonely
And Nathan's growing up so quick he's gonna know that your phony
And Hailie's getting so big now; you should see her, she's beautiful
But you'll never see her - she won't even be at your funeral!
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong
Bitch do your song - keep telling yourself that you was a mom!
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You selfish bitch; I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead - dead to you as can be!
I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet
I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

Sunday, May 30, 2010

a few more dots....

Introducing News Dots - Slate Magazine


@almostvisible we like this! dots...



Article 4 of 27, Article ID: 8701080525


Published on 02/06/1987, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

MOST CHARGES DISMISSED AGAINST 2 MASTRONARDOS

TEXT: A federal court judge yesterday dismissed most of the charges against John V. Mastronardo and his father, Joseph V. Mastronardo Sr., two of seven defendants accused of running a multimillion-dollar gambling and money- laundering operation based in Philadelphia.

U.S. District Court Judge Anthony J. Scirica left intact 36 of 42 charges against Joseph Mastronardo Jr., 36, the son-in-law of former Mayor Frank L. Rizzo and the man prosecutors say masterminded the alleged sports-bookmak i

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Complete Article, 971 words ( $1.95 )




Article 5 of 27, Article ID: 8802160950

Published on 07/29/1988, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

FIVE SQUAD PROSECUTOR HINTS AT A MURDER PLOT

TEXT: A federal prosecutor alleged yesterday that some of the six former members of an elite Philadelphia police drug unit who have been indicted on racketeering charges plotted last year to kill a witness during the federal tax-evasion trial of another colleague.

Assistant U.S. Attorney John P. Pucci made the allegation during an arraignment for Ronald Giongo, one of the six Five Squad members who were indicted July 19 by a federal grand jury on charges of stealing drugs and more than $40

Your search terms appear 13 times in this article.

Complete Article, 648 words ( $1.95 )




Article 6 of 27, Article ID: 8901040756

Published on 01/18/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

DEFENSE ATTACKS RYAN'S CONFLICTS IN DRUG-UNIT TRIAL

TEXT: The defense in the federal racketeering trial of six former Philadelphia police officers focused yesterday on the differences between Leo Ryan's testimony and his earlier statements.

A key government witness and former police officer, Ryan was cross-examined for a third day, questioned about his turbulent marriage, his one-time addiction to Valium and his relationships with the men who once worked with him in Five Squad, the now-defunct drug unit.

Your search terms appear 10 times in this article.

Complete Article, 582 words ( $1.95 )




Article 7 of 27, Article ID: 8901130287

Published on 02/25/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

HUND FINISHES FIVE SQUAD TESTIMONY

TEXT: Former police officer Charles A. Hund 3d underwent his final day of cross- examination yesterday as the defense in the racketeering trial of six former narcotics officers continued trying to portray him as the epitome of corruption.

Hund, 39, has given seven days of pointed testimony against six of his former colleagues in Five Squad, a now-defunct drug unit.

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Complete Article, 371 words ( $1.95 )




Article 8 of 27, Article ID: 8901140718

Published on 03/03/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

FIVE SQUAD DEFENSE OPENS CASE

DEFENDANT'S CHILDREN CONTRADICT HUND

TEXT: The son and teenage daughter of former Philadelphia narcotics officer Ronald Giongo Sr. took the stand yesterday in U.S. District Court to help defend their father against charges of corruption.

Ronald Giongo Jr., 24, said he frequently had to lend money to his dad. He said that his father never owned a new car, and that the family home in the mountains was just a small trailer on a chunk of property, half of which was swamp.

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Article 9 of 27, Article ID: 8901150905

Published on 03/09/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

FIVE SQUAD DEFENSE ON ATTACK

SAYS EVIDENCE 'REEKS OF DOUBT'

TEXT: The defense in the federal racketeering trial of six former Philadelphia narcotics officers yesterday blasted away at the government's case, contending that the evidence boiled down to the unbelievable testimony of two crooked cops and three dozen drug dealers.

"The evidence is fit for a cesspool and it reeks of doubt," declared defense attorney John Rogers Carroll, who represents defendant John Wilson, the man who headed Five Squad, a now-defunct drug unit.

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Complete Article, 758 words ( $1.95 )




Article 10 of 27, Article ID: 8901180025

Published on 03/15/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

CENTER CITY DEFENSE LAWYER FACES 26 FRAUD AND INCOME TAX CHARGES

TEXT: A federal grand jury yesterday accused a Center City lawyer of carrying out two complex schemes to defraud his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.

David E. Shapiro, 40, a defense lawyer who lives in Huntingdon Valley and has offices in the Lewis Tower Building on South 15th Street, was charged with 16 counts of mail and wire fraud and one count of transferring and concealing property of a bankruptcy estate.

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Complete Article, 367 words ( $1.95 )




Article 11 of 27, Article ID: 8902130232

Published on 07/07/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

GUILTY PLEA IS ENTERED BY LAWYER

TEXT: A Center City lawyer yesterday pleaded guilty to defrauding his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.

David E. Shapiro, a criminal-defense lawyer with offices in the Lewis Tower Building on South 15th Street, pleaded guilty to all 26 counts of a federal indictment that charged him with fraud and tax violations in connection with the schemes.

Your search terms appear 6 times in this article.

Complete Article, 438 words ( $1.95 )




Article 12 of 27, Article ID: 8903150570

Published on 11/15/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

EX-LAWYER GETS PRISON FOR 2 SCAMS

TEXT: A suspended Center City lawyer was sentenced yesterday to two years in federal prison and five years' probation for carrying out two intricate schemes to defraud his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.



David E. Shapiro, 41, who practiced criminal law in the Lewis Tower on South 15th Street, also was ordered by U.S. District Judge Louis C. Bechtle to perform 1,000 hours of community service.

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Complete Article, 426 words ( $1.95 )













Article 13 of 27, Article ID: 9102110275

Published on 07/20/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

FORMER GRAY ACCOUNTANT CHARGED WITH MISREPRESENTATION ON LOAN

TEXT: A Center City accountant who formerly worked for U.S. Rep. William H. Gray 3d was charged yesterday by federal authorities with one count of wire fraud, alleging that he made misrepresentations when he applied for a bank loan in 1984.

Neil B. Godick, 50, had emerged two years ago as a key figure in an investigation involving Gray. After news reports about the inquiry, the Justice Department - in a highly unusual move - announced that Gray was not a target of an investigation.

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Article 14 of 27, Article ID: 9102220459

Published on 09/16/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

A SMALL-TIME BONFIRE OF VANITIES BURNS 170

TEXT: Despite the confidence he inspired in his clients, aspiring investment mogul Donald Matthew Greth never moved with Wall Street's rich and powerful.

He ate no power lunches with the likes of Ivan Boesky or Michael Milken. He had no fancy high-rise office. His D.M.G. Investment Systems and Common Unity Fund Systems had no glossy brochures or detailed prospectuses.

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Article 15 of 27, Article ID: 9102220734

Published on 09/17/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

PYRAMID DEFENDANT GETS 21-MONTH TERM

TEXT: A Montgomery County man who promised investors fantastic financial returns in a crude pyramid scheme that fell apart after taking in more than $1.5 million was sentenced yesterday to repay the money and spend 21 months in federal prison.


Donald Matthew Greth, 36, called the punishment "a sentence I deserve," after leaving the courtroom of U.S. District Judge Charles R. Weiner in Philadelphia.

Your search terms appear 3 times in this article.

Complete Article, 462 words ( $1.95 )





Article 16 of 27, Article ID: 9103060724

Published on 11/14/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

EX-GRAY ACCOUNTANT ADMITS 1984 FRAUD

TEXT: A Center City accountant who once worked for former U.S. Rep. William H. Gray 3d pleaded guilty yesterday in U.S. District Court to one count of wire fraud, admitting that he made misrepresentations when he applied for a bank loan in 1984.

Neil B. Godick, 50, had emerged two years ago as a key figure in a federal investigation involving Gray. After news reports about the inquiry mentioned Gray, the Justice Department announced that the congressman was not a target of an investigation

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Complete Article, 333 words ( $1.95 )




Article 17 of 27, Article ID: 9201080398

Published on 02/07/1992, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

FORMER GRAY EMPLOYEE IS GUILTY OF LYING ON LOAN FORM

TEXT: A Center City accountant who once worked for former U.S. Rep. William H. Gray 3d was placed on probation for five years and fined $25,000 yesterday for lying about collateral when he applied for a bank loan in 1984.

Neil B. Godick, 50, received the sentence from U.S. District Judge Herbert J. Hutton, who also ordered him to perform 100 hours of community service during his probation term.

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Complete Article, 431 words ( $1.95 )


Article 18 of 27, Article ID: 9402010506

Published on 06/09/1994, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

AFTER BUSINESS DEAL GOES AWRY, A RUSSIAN PARTNER LIVES IN FEAR

THE RISKS OF CAPITALISM CAN MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS IN U.S., SIBERIA.

TEXT: For Philadelphia businessman Neil B. Godick, his foray into Siberian capitalism represents a business deal gone awry. But for Alexander Brodsky, the Russian who worked with Godick, it's much more.

It is, says Brodsky, a dispute that has left him in desperate straits, facing possible retaliation from Russian racketeers.

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Article 20 of 27, Article ID: 9501220910

Published on 04/17/1995, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

IRS TRIES TO IMPROVE ITS RATE OF COLLECTION

ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, WHERE THERE'S A TAX, THERE'S A WAY TO CHEAT.

TEXT: Today is tax day. Listen to how easy it was for one man to rip off the Internal Revenue Service:

"My company filed a total of 9,000 returns in 1992, for tax year 1991, which netted my customers approximately $8 million in total refunds. Of that total, I would guess that roughly half of the returns contained false information about dependents, wages or filing status. That year . . . I recognized how easy it was."

Your search terms appear 9 times in this article.

Complete Article, 1240 words ( $1.95 )




Article 21 of 27, Article ID: 9503070976

Published on 11/28/1995, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

DOCTOR AND STAFF ACCUSED OF SCAM

PROSECUTORS SAY JACK A. DANTON AND FIVE OTHERS

DEFRAUDED 13 INSURANCE COMPANIES OF $4 MILLION.

TEXT: By March 18, 1992, it was no longer business as usual in the office of Northeast Philadelphia osteopath Jack A. Danton.

The FBI had ordered Danton to bring his patients' files for review by a federal grand jury looking into insurance fraud. Federal prosecutors say Danton responded quickly, if not legally. They say he and a secretary went through patient files, destroying some documents and hiding others.

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Complete Article, 907 words ( $1.95 )




Article 22 of 27, Article ID: 9701110100

Published on 01/10/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

INSURANCE FRAUD TRIAL BEGINS

PROSECUTORS SAY HUNTINGDON VALLEY OSTEOPATH JACK

A. DANTON WAS A PARTICIPANT IN A MASSIVE SCAM.

TEXT: A massive insurance fraud case that has brought down several doctors and lawyers in recent years reopened in federal court yesterday with the trial of a doctor alleged to be a key participant.

Huntingdon Valley osteopath Jack A. Danton is accused of playing a major role in an 11-year scheme to defraud insurance companies of about $4 million by inflating claims for people injured in accidents.

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Complete Article, 509 words ( $1.95 )




Article 23 of 27, Article ID: 9702120056

Published on 02/11/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

AREA DOCTOR CONVICTED OF MAIL FRAUD

THE JURY DEADLOCKED ON A RACKETEERING CHARGE AGAINST

OSTEOPATH JACK DANTON. HE COULD BE RETRIED.

TEXT: Huntingdon Valley osteopath Jack Danton was found guilty of mail fraud yesterday for participating in a scheme that defrauded insurance companies of $4 million. But the jury in federal court deadlocked on more serious charges of racketeering and interstate transportation of a security.

The verdict was a letdown for federal prosecutors, who had compiled a wealth of evidence against Danton in a five-year investigation that culminated in his trial in U.S. District Court in Philadelphia.

Your search terms appear 10 times in this article.

Complete Article, 594 words ( $1.95 )




Article 24 of 27, Article ID: 9708200038

Published on 08/19/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

PHYSICIAN IS SENTENCED IN SCAM

JACK A. DANTON OF HUNTINGDON VALLEY RECEIVED FIVE

YEARS AND WAS ORDERED TO PAY MORE THAN $400,000.

TEXT: Huntingdon Valley physician Jack A. Danton blamed his secretary for continuing a $4 million health insurance scam long after he had withdrawn from any illicit activities.

But a federal judge didn't buy it.

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Article 25 of 27, Article ID: 9909160152

Published on 09/15/1999, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

PHILA. EXECUTIVE TIED TO SCHEME

THE SEC SAID HE SIGNED LETTERS THAT OVERSTATED THE

VALUE OF ACCOUNTS MANAGED BY PRINCETON ECONOMICS.

TEXT: A Philadelphia securities executive enabled a Princeton money manager to hide more than half a billion dollars in losses by its Japanese clients, according to federal prosecutors and the Securities and Exchange Commission.

William H. Rogers, who was recently suspended as head of futures trading at Republic New York Securities' Philadelphia office, signed up to 200 letters that "falsely overstate" the value of accounts managed by Princeton Economics International, of Princeton, N.J., according

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Article 26 of 27, Article ID: 9909220101

Published on 09/21/1999, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

LONGTIME JANNEY CHIEF TO YIELD TO THE CHAIRMAN

TEXT: Norman T. Wilde Jr. has been running Janney Montgomery Scott since Richard Nixon moved into the White House. Now at age 69, he says it's time to go.

Wilde will step aside Dec. 31 as chief executive of the 800-broker, $12 billion-asset firm - one of the few big financial companies still based in Center City - in favor of Janney's chairman, Rudolph "Rick" C. Sander. Sander, an Upper Darby native, attended night school at Villanova and Penn, then rose through the ranks at the old Philadelphia b

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Article 27 of 27, Article ID: 9909250146

Published on 09/24/1999, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

ACCUSED FINANCIER TRIED TO LIQUIDATE COMPANY

U.S. PROSECUTORS GOT A COURT ORDER TO STOP THE MOVE BY

MARTIN ARMSTRONG, ACCUSED OF BILKING JAPANESE INVESTORS.

TEXT: Martin A. Armstrong Jr., the financial guru accused of bilking Japanese investors out of about $1 billion, may have attempted to thwart U.S. prosecutors by trying to liquidate his New Jersey company in a West Indies island court.


Princeton Economics International Ltd., the firm run by Armstrong at the heart of the investment turmoil, filed for bankruptcy last Friday in the Turks and Caicos Islands, where it is incorporated.

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(1/1/1987 to 1/1/2000)" were found.

Returning 31 articles.



Article 4 of 31, Article ID: 9708200038

Published on 08/19/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

PHYSICIAN IS SENTENCED IN SCAM

JACK A. DANTON OF HUNTINGDON VALLEY RECEIVED FIVE

YEARS AND WAS ORDERED TO PAY MORE THAN $400,000.

TEXT: Huntingdon Valley physician Jack A. Danton blamed his secretary for continuing a $4 million health insurance scam long after he had withdrawn from any illicit activities.

But a federal judge didn't buy it.

Your search terms appear 4 times in this article.

Complete Article, 569 words ( $1.95 )




Article 6 of 31, Article ID: 9702120056

Published on 02/11/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

AREA DOCTOR CONVICTED OF MAIL FRAUD

THE JURY DEADLOCKED ON A RACKETEERING CHARGE AGAINST

OSTEOPATH JACK DANTON. HE COULD BE RETRIED.

TEXT: Huntingdon Valley osteopath Jack Danton was found guilty of mail fraud yesterday for participating in a scheme that defrauded insurance companies of $4 million. But the jury in federal court deadlocked on more serious charges of racketeering and interstate transportation of a security.

The verdict was a letdown for federal prosecutors, who had compiled a wealth of evidence against Danton in a five-year investigation that culminated in his trial in U.S. District Court in Philadelphia.

Your search terms appear 5 times in this article.

Complete Article, 594 words ( $1.95 )




Article 7 of 31, Article ID: 9701110100

Published on 01/10/1997, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

INSURANCE FRAUD TRIAL BEGINS

PROSECUTORS SAY HUNTINGDON VALLEY OSTEOPATH JACK

A. DANTON WAS A PARTICIPANT IN A MASSIVE SCAM.

TEXT: A massive insurance fraud case that has brought down several doctors and lawyers in recent years reopened in federal court yesterday with the trial of a doctor alleged to be a key participant.

Huntingdon Valley osteopath Jack A. Danton is accused of playing a major role in an 11-year scheme to defraud insurance companies of about $4 million by inflating claims for people injured in accidents.

Your search terms appear 5 times in this article.

Complete Article, 509 words ( $1.95 )




Article 9 of 31, Article ID: 9503070976

Published on 11/28/1995, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

DOCTOR AND STAFF ACCUSED OF SCAM

PROSECUTORS SAY JACK A. DANTON AND FIVE OTHERS

DEFRAUDED 13 INSURANCE COMPANIES OF $4 MILLION.

TEXT: By March 18, 1992, it was no longer business as usual in the office of Northeast Philadelphia osteopath Jack A. Danton.

The FBI had ordered Danton to bring his patients' files for review by a federal grand jury looking into insurance fraud. Federal prosecutors say Danton responded quickly, if not legally. They say he and a secretary went through patient files, destroying some documents and hiding others.

Your search terms appear 5 times in this article.

Complete Article, 907 words ( $1.95 )





Article 11 of 31, Article ID: 9501220910

Published on 04/17/1995, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

IRS TRIES TO IMPROVE ITS RATE OF COLLECTION

ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, WHERE THERE'S A TAX, THERE'S A WAY TO CHEAT.

TEXT: Today is tax day. Listen to how easy it was for one man to rip off the Internal Revenue Service:

"My company filed a total of 9,000 returns in 1992, for tax year 1991, which netted my customers approximately $8 million in total refunds. Of that total, I would guess that roughly half of the returns contained false information about dependents, wages or filing status. That year . . . I recognized how easy it was."

Your search terms appear 9 times in this article.

Complete Article, 1240 words ( $1.95 )




Article 13 of 31, Article ID: 9203050983

Published on 11/14/1992, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

SUBURBAN DRUG RING HELPER IS SENTENCED

ALAN I. ROOMBERG LAUNDERED MONEY FOR DRUG DEALER

FRANK J. FORLANO. HE RECEIVED A 2 1/2-YEAR JAIL TERM.

TEXT: The former accountant for convicted suburban drug trafficker Frank J. Forlano was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison yesterday for his role in

helping Forlano launder cash generated by the lucrative drug ring.

"This is actually a relief that after nearly 4 1/2 years I can begin to finally pay my debt," Alan I. Roomberg told U.S. District Judge Ronald L. Buckwalter, referring to the time that has elapsed since Forlano's drug organization began to crumble in August 1988.

Your search terms appear 4 times in this article.

Complete Article, 440 words ( $1.95 )






Article 15 of 31, Article ID: 9103060724

Published on 11/14/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

EX-GRAY ACCOUNTANT ADMITS 1984 FRAUD

TEXT: A Center City accountant who once worked for former U.S. Rep. William H. Gray 3d pleaded guilty yesterday in U.S. District Court to one count of wire fraud, admitting that he made misrepresentations when he applied for a bank loan in 1984.

Neil B. Godick, 50, had emerged two years ago as a key figure in a federal investigation involving Gray. After news reports about the inquiry mentioned Gray, the Justice Department announced that the congressman was not a target of an investigation

Your search terms appear 6 times in this article.

Complete Article, 333 words ( $1.95 )




Article 16 of 31, Article ID: 9102220734

Published on 09/17/1991, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

PYRAMID DEFENDANT GETS 21-MONTH TERM

TEXT: A Montgomery County man who promised investors fantastic financial returns in a crude pyramid scheme that fell apart after taking in more than $1.5 million was sentenced yesterday to repay the money and spend 21 months in federal prison.

Donald Matthew Greth, 36, called the punishment "a sentence I deserve," after leaving the courtroom of U.S. District Judge Charles R. Weiner in Philadelphia.

Your search terms appear 2 times in this article.

Complete Article, 462 words ( $1.95 )




Article 20 of 31, Article ID: 8903150570

Published on 11/15/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

EX-LAWYER GETS PRISON FOR 2 SCAMS

TEXT: A suspended Center City lawyer was sentenced yesterday to two years in federal prison and five years' probation for carrying out two intricate schemes to defraud his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.

David E. Shapiro, 41, who practiced criminal law in the Lewis Tower on South 15th Street, also was ordered by U.S. District Judge Louis C. Bechtle to perform 1,000 hours of community service.

Your search terms appear 4 times in this article.

Complete Article, 426 words ( $1.95 )




Article 22 of 31, Article ID: 8902130232

Published on 07/07/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

GUILTY PLEA IS ENTERED BY LAWYER

TEXT: A Center City lawyer yesterday pleaded guilty to defrauding his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.

David E. Shapiro, a criminal-defense lawyer with offices in the Lewis Tower Building on South 15th Street, pleaded guilty to all 26 counts of a federal indictment that charged him with fraud and tax violations in connection with the schemes.

Your search terms appear 5 times in this article.

Complete Article, 438 words ( $1.95 )




Article 23 of 31, Article ID: 8902110127

Published on 06/27/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

SOURCE: FBI ASKED GRAY ABOUT PHILA. ACCOUNTANT

TEXT: FBI agents who met with Rep. William H. Gray 3d in recent weeks questioned him extensively about a financially troubled Philadelphia accountant who frequently worked for the Democratic congressman, according to a source close to Gray.

The source said the bulk of specific questions put to Gray by the agents concerned Neil B. Godick, president of Godick & Co., a Philadelphia accounting firm that filed for bankruptcy in 1987. One of the creditors in those bankruptcy proceedings has accu

Your search terms appear 4 times in this article.

Complete Article, 1158 words ( $1.95 )




Article 24 of 31, Article ID: 8901180025

Published on 03/15/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

CENTER CITY DEFENSE LAWYER FACES 26 FRAUD AND INCOME TAX CHARGES

TEXT: A federal grand jury yesterday accused a Center City lawyer of carrying out two complex schemes to defraud his mortgage company and his creditors by providing false information and misstating personal assets.

David E. Shapiro, 40, a defense lawyer who lives in Huntingdon Valley and has offices in the Lewis Tower Building on South 15th Street, was charged with 16 counts of mail and wire fraud and one count of transferring and concealing property of a bankruptcy estate.

Your search terms appear 7 times in this article.

Complete Article, 367 words ( $1.95 )




Article 25 of 31, Article ID: 8901130287

Published on 02/25/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

HUND FINISHES FIVE SQUAD TESTIMONY

TEXT: Former police officer Charles A. Hund 3d underwent his final day of cross- examination yesterday as the defense in the racketeering trial of six former narcotics officers continued trying to portray him as the epitome of corruption.

Hund, 39, has given seven days of pointed testimony against six of his former colleagues in Five Squad, a now-defunct drug unit.

Your search terms appear 7 times in this article.

Complete Article, 371 words ( $1.95 )




Article 26 of 31, Article ID: 8901040756

Published on 01/18/1989, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

DEFENSE ATTACKS RYAN'S CONFLICTS IN DRUG-UNIT TRIAL

TEXT: The defense in the federal racketeering trial of six former Philadelphia police officers focused yesterday on the differences between Leo Ryan's testimony and his earlier statements.

A key government witness and former police officer, Ryan was cross-examined for a third day, questioned about his turbulent marriage, his one-time addiction to Valium and his relationships with the men who once worked with him in Five Squad, the now-defunct drug unit.

Your search terms appear 8 times in this article.

Complete Article, 582 words ( $1.95 )




Article 31 of 31, Article ID: 8701080525

Published on 02/06/1987, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

MOST CHARGES DISMISSED AGAINST 2 MASTRONARDOS

TEXT: A federal court judge yesterday dismissed most of the charges against John V. Mastronardo and his father, Joseph V. Mastronardo Sr., two of seven defendants accused of running a multimillion-dollar gambling and money- laundering operation based in Philadelphia.

U.S. District Court Judge Anthony J. Scirica left intact 36 of 42 charges against Joseph Mastronardo Jr., 36, the son-in-law of former Mayor Frank L. Rizzo and the man prosecutors say masterminded the alleged sports-bookmak i

Your search terms appear 7 times in this article.

Complete Article, 971 words ( $1.95 )




MONEY

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Missing Peace [Strong Language] embedded documents

The Roof is On Fire

In the future, the prosecutors argued, "other officers...may take their cue from the sentencings of cooperators." Unswayed, Federal Judge Robert Gawthrop slammed the cops with the maximum mandated by the federal sentencing guidelines--and Blondie with even more. The result has been exactly what the government feared: only four other officers have fallen. "They took the cue all right," says a senior FBI official. "No one's talking. And even if they do, the history of these kinds of scandals is that cops go right back to acting as they always have when the dust settles, because the pressure they most feel is the pressure to produce results, the constant demand to get the job done."

McGuire believes the pressure inevitably forces cops to make up some of their own rules. "Most of the kind of stuff [Blondie and the others] did was in the vast gray area that represents the real nuances of police work," he says. "We've all faced these things; we all have our own personal lines."




And Blondie, now in the second year of his 13-year sentence? He remains a stranger to remorse: "We didn't invent the system, or the ways to scam it to do the job. We inherited it. We were its custodians. Now others are."



TIME- WHEN COPS GO BAD





The APPEAL had given me for the thirteen months I actually believed somebody was listening. WRONG AGAIN! That false strength I kept in reserve to keep going was the part of me that needed to believe that I haven't lost everything. It gave a false sense that somebody was actually listening.

I WAS WRONG....

So listen carefully, my friends. It was not too long ago that I had almost everything a young person needs to succeed in this world.

Or maybe not. As for my most current insurance dispute... I feel that I have done everything humanly possible to be sympathetic towards health care provider who is NOT providing care. I cannot sacrifice my own well being for every bright eyed bushy tailed wanna be who is too stupid to see that I am far from.





I had such a battle this week. It culminated in the end like every other battle I have taken on. I only won because ultimately but we are all losing.

For every under qualified, health care provider who has NOT provided the adequate, there are many more like me. Alienated just enough to give up on fashion, etiquette and social norms; but not enough to walk away from it all.



We are keeping watch. We are taking names, and I for one do not give a rat's ass about "keeping the peace." So welcome to this world you helped create. This is where I live. In CyberSpace. So even though I can't get an account, pay any bills, watch television or even use a real computer or find a job without internet, I'll find my missing piece. And I did. I am writer. I am a researcher. I am a human being that is gonna fuck with your world the same way you fucked my mine. Bring it on Daddy. I've been waiting to see what the ultmate power play will be. 

With love from your youngest daughter, the one who never accomplished a single thiing in herr entire lfe, well I accomplished this. And I managed to live to be 37 years old. That is the same age you were the last time I stepped foot in your home, and walked out of your lives for what was supposed to be forever.

~breaking~ Sunday February 7, 2010




Having been on both sides if the proverbial couch, I have the perspective is both enlightening and scary at the same time.

I look back and want to say shout "told you so" from the nearest roof top.

kRaZy is crazy does... out loud. I may be enjoying this just a little too much.

Sometimes I try to look at this fight, (I meant to say this life) objectively.

I can see my own future, and I can see where it is taking me. I know how it will end if I don't keep up the pace.

It is amazing at how far we will go to have nothing at all.

I have come this far, and on some level I almost enjoy the dance. No. On some level, I actually love the dance.

But then there are days like this.

Because without this turmoil, this exercise in futility, absurdity, government waste, bureaucracy, irreverent disregard for basic human kindness, decency and humanity:  and all long to go to the kind of place I hear about from through ignorant innocents. Children who have never known the type of pain and cruelty that exists in the real world.  

He speaks of a place called Never land. You see, I don't know the story of Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and I have no idea who Wendy is. Of course I've heard of Tink (though I hear she is a pain in the ass ;) but only because I like glitter pens and fairy dust. I don't know these things, because I don't know the innocence, the purity, the make believe world of childhood. I never had one.

I knew cruelty... and though I am not cruel, this is who I am at this very moment: Dark, discouraged, and deeply disappointed.

The New Crisis: Promoting Reagan's Legacy of Racial Policies

What if this is all that there is for me? If I can never break free from this cycle of insanity, and trust me when I say the insanity I speak of is NOT in my head. We have all heard the expression insanity is the sane response to insane surroundings; let me assure that there are very few cases that rival mine. I am the stuff psychologists, sociologists, and the occult speak of behind closed doors. My sister and I were raised this way. She may be a lawyer, she may have good credit, she may have a lot of things, but while my father took me to see the same shrink that treated Jack Danton, David Shapiro, possibly even Milken, Drexel Lambert and other nefarious white collar criminals, my father took my sister to see a psychiatrist who specialized in serial killers. What a message that sends... message received.

Mastronardo (note: Mastronardo is the son-in-law of the infamous Mayor Frank Rizzo who is best known for historic tales of systemic corruption in Philadelphia) FEDS BUST N.J. TRADER IN $1B SCAM

So I wonder, and you should too... did he take us there to be healed or did he take us there to create our futures? I will never be good enough for him. Thank god jesus allah and the power invested in this little stupid wifi device... his vision of us, his vision of U.S. is wrong.

I know this now. I didn't know then. I have proof now. I hardly even need it. It all out in the open and I am glad. Never again should the FBI create hatred, men so indoctrinated by power that they have such little regard for human life that they treat their children the same way they treated John Africa and the thirteen members of MOVE the day the Powers That Beat decided it was long overdue to take John Africa out. So what if thirteen people died with him... who cares about the 5 children who died along with him?

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn, Burn, mother fucker, burn. The Roof is on Fire by Bloodhound Gang
And they did. And they died. May 13, 1985.

Burned forever in my mind and it should be in yours too.

OUR COUNTRY.

OUR PEOPLE.

OUR GOVERNMENT.

FUCK YOU AMERICA! FUCK THE US FOR FUCKING US ALL! But thank you daddy for letting me in on the secret. Now it is my turn.




What else would call if not the City of Brotherly Love? I do. Because my daddy told me to shoot them ya know... just in case. Daddy lost his first and only trial and the CITY of Philadelphia decided it was time to take him out.

No. I won't give up now. I could be next!

If The Feds Want Ya, They'll Get Ya, Period.

What if I have nothing left? What if the Hook does NOT bring me back?

This demonstration and project in futility and determination has defined me for so long, that without it, I'm not sure if I am anything at all.

fuck that... yeah... Reality Bytes. But I won't play dead, and I won't pretend my name is not Elyssa. My Daddy changed his; and my gold-digging bitch of a mother changed hers so many times I can't even keep up with the bitch. Through in 1/4 mil in "cosmetic surgery" and tattoos on her eyelids lips and some lazar and and derma crap stuff, no wonder she looks like a million bucks. 


Dad The one she couldn't hold on to. And she blames it all on me. Ironically, so does he.






Yes, Reality Bytes.  The Roof is On Fire

Mumia is STILL on death row.

The 39th District is corrupt to the core.

The MAYOR dropped the bomb. May 13, 1985.

No longer sealed. I am no longer hiding.

Now I know, why my life stopped when it was about to start.

I know the truth.  And the feds know I'm “certifiable!”  What I would like to know is, what is their excuse?

So you decide...

RW ONLINE: Philadelphia: The Power Structure and the Railroad of Mumia Abu-Jamal


RW ONLINE: Philly Cops: A History of Brutality in Blue, Part 2


Liberté pour Mumia Abu-Jamal - Chez Féefils


Philadelphia D.A.'s pick for top detective oversaw 'Tainted' corrupt unit.




HOLY CRAP! THIS WAS MADE FOR ME! NEXT I LOOK FOR The Sneetches
The Boy With A Problem


Whoooooooooooooosh! for now... let's leave on a good note! And will someone, anyone, please send some tech support. I've paid my dues. I'll keep on paying.  ~Dixie Chicks

You're no a Victim, Neither am I



~~~~~this where I must break~~~ all in due time my friends~~~~

I can't lose what I never had. I won’t be another sell-out... mostly because I don't know how.

I am then the voice of perseverance. I am one voice of perseverance. I am one of 47 million Americans. And today I am still fighting the good fight.

This battle; this challenge; this half won war has come to define me. And without that, I am not really much of anything at all...

As someone once told me, if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. I've already fallen, but I sure as shit stand for something.




"...so for now, I write. Maybe later read. I am always listening. But if there is any justice left in this world, maybe someday, I might actually live."

That's all for now, folks. I think I'll tweet a bit. I think I've earned it the right to play a little. Can't go anywhere anyway. License suspended (thanks again dad! You can manage to move 1.3 million dollars into two separate trust funds offshore within one hour of TRO, but you couldn't authorize Frank to transfer $4.50 into my Bank of America account before I got saddled with several thousand dollars in court fees and collection agencies?




22 days to hand over the $4.50 I needed to avoid eviction osing all my "stuff" again and sleeping in my car at at gas stations in the for almost 8 months?

ahhh..... now I get it! You want me to lose everything. How long have you know?

Certainly it was Adam Dread who called your attention to this site, but before then you always wanted me to just be gone. Why not just let me go?

Walking in The Shadow of Death


You must be so proud. I'm finally doing you told me to do long ago.

Fighting for myself, because you made it clear you will never do it for me. Lesson learned. Bring it on. Again. This time I know what to expect.

Content missing - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com



Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Nashville, Tennessee

FBI wants widespread monitoring of 'illegal' Internet activity
News Blog - CNET News

[Parts previously posted at United Professionals under: An Appalling Appeal]


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Writing Through Dark




















When I first started writing, the internet it became a substitute for human interaction. Aside from Pepe, the computer had become my next best friend.  Certainly better than any therapist I have ever seen. Writing through dark helped me to clarify and organize my thoughts.

My computer does not ask me stupid questions or blame me for taking too long to spit just the right words.

It does not mind if I stutter, take a break or tend to more pressing matters. The internet was simply another way to escape from the madness that surrounds me.

Before I knew to how to attach formatted, edited, spell checked versions of documents, I would often begin writing in cyberspace only to find that I addressed it incorrectly, or worse, copied the very last person I would want to know exactly how I feel.


There have been times when I have accidentally hit send a little too soon. When I review some of my past journal entries written online, it is easy to see the raw emotion that pours out of my soul into the physical world. There have been countless times I have found myself so completely caught up in the writing process that I get stuck to the keyboard for hours (sometimes even days) and yet there I am—- asleep at the keyboard— again!

Writing "live" can be dangerous—it is far too easy to come off as a raving lunatic who cannot hold one train of thought long enough to keep the web browser from timing out!

If only I could retrieve some of the messages that hit cyberspace...

Will I ever be able to coexist peacefully? Play well with others? I still work at my own pace— sometimes in my own world, always in my own head... I like to think I might flourish in some other man's world and tell myself I could exist in some other reality—but those who see through me know this is my last defense, and however sad, I must believe that if I am to go on.

However, be warned that I may, someday, somewhere, decide to stick around for a while. Could you be my neighbor? Would you be my friend?

Could you? Could I? Can I ever stop running and being afraid? What must I do, what I must learn, or who must I become to make you believe that such social grace and honest beauty have always come naturally to me?

When will this act ever subside? I developed an entire persona based on fear alone. How very sad. The cheerleader that never was. The child that never knew safety, peace, or security. A woman who existed in a world of silence— until now, I suppose.

Somehow, I must learn to embrace the fear. The fear of being discovered for the person that I am rather than the person I often pretend to be.

Regardless of the mask we put on when we go out in public, we all feel insecure, lonely, isolated, and afraid at times. Unfortunately, for me, I feel that way more often than not. I live with the kind of self-doubt that most people outgrow in early adolescence. The older I got, the more isolated I felt. Shouldn't I have outgrown this by now?

So now I have to become the person I used to be. The person I was meant to be. The person who existed long before the realities of life set in. Someone with hope, someone with a purpose. Someone who believed woman who existed long before the shadow of fear and failure ruled my every waking moment and took over the sleepless nights.

Yes, I can. Sometimes.

Fear.

Fear of believing that I deserved to be loved and never finding it. A human being entitled freedoms, and a woman who knows how to make choices. I am already stronger than I ever wanted to be.

I was blessed with strength.

Strength! Who the fuck wanted strength? Who wanted fear? Who wanted freedom???? There are people who love me-- they may not know it yet-- or may have forgotten me by now, but I need to stay put and live within my own skin again for a while just to see how feels.

Just stop running.

I have been challenged in ways that most people cannot even begin or understand-- and for me I must accept that there simply is no justice. So as I am, there is nothing that can replace what I have lost, not inside myself. I do not believe in revenge.

How ironic. How bazaar. Tragic. No one else cares. Who gives a shit? Why seek revenge for its own sake? How would that help? Nothing can replace what has been lost, not within myself.

But what if you are right??? What if--IF-- it is possible to let go of my anger? What will become of all that rage and turmoil I carry around with every waking moment? Can I exist peacefully within my own body? And what about the pain? I mean the hard the hard-core physical pain that hits me when I am most vulnerable? Can I live with the pain?

Can you promise me that it will have been worth it in the end? And, what if, after all is said done, I find myself to be an old woman with no friends, no ties, just a worn out memory of myself as I used to be—or who thought I might become. An old woman who lived far too long and too hard to realize that her act was done one-half a century ago.

Can you make it all worthwhile? Can you live with such responsibility?

Can I ever recapture enough of my former self to become a sexual being rather than innuendo? Can that person coexist in the same body that has brought me so much pain? Will anyone ever sift through the grime to find me? Will they ultimately feel it was just a waste of time? Will he hate me for it? Will he hate women as a result?

Can I ever learn to accept my physical pain without feeling compromised as a woman? Can I ever learn to accept my emotional mind without feeling compromised as a human being?

Do not tell anyone, but I can remember what it was like to enjoy sex. At what point can I allow myself to long for the sensation of human touch without being too optimistic? I don't want to get addicted. Sex will never be enough for me. I dream of loosing myself in a man's body. I dream about complete and absolute absorption.

I shall find mediocrity! Keep your labels interpretations and judgments to yourself. Control your need to soothe my fragile psyche or your need to "cure" me. I must find mediocrity. There in, I hope, lies the self. The everyday, the lull, the common person: rhythmic sanity and flattened affect. Dulled emotions and satisfaction. Satisfied, dull, boring, everyday. God—please!!! Where do I sign up?

Yes— okay— sometimes, it scares me to be so utterly alone, but what purpose does that serve? Even I know how despicable self-pity is in others and in myself. Especially for someone "like" me-- whatever that means! Great—so not only am I sad, but now I am feeling guilty too. And ashamed. And embarrassed. And Fear. And nothingness

Sometimes I wish others could understand the silent, peaceful, uncomplicated absolution that dawns with acceptance and resignation.

My goals have become so convoluted, yet here I sit, 13 years later, and my computer is still my best friend. My search for mediocrity continues. I am still looking for comfortable safety and a place of solitude before I can fulfill my "destiny"... to become whatever it is I was meant to be. Before I was reduced to nothing more than a shell of a person beaten down the Powers That Beat.

A journey on the road towards (Maslow's) self-actualization. Is it too late to build the strong foundations I lacked as a child? To feel secure enough in my physical surroundings and trust that my most basic needs will be met. Can I successfully transition into a world of unknowns without any understanding of the world as it is?

Maybe others have taken this path before me-- or maybe someday, someone might inadvertently wander into this sanctuary I call home. A place where nothing seems as it but exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Look at us-- who we are, what we do, and how we survive... all the people everywhere... All of us with limitless potential yet none of us know it-- irreverent disregard for what is real and complete disrespect for the rules that have thrust upon us.

This is the easy part-- restating economists and social scientists of days gone by-- so it is here that I can rest my head and my tired fingers. Why do I feel this shit? I actually *feel* this shit. As I sit and write (and eventually hit delete) I am bound to the streams of consciousness-- irate bouts of ranting and raving-- knowing how easy it is for people to silence such carrying-ons.

Upon writing my first piece ever-- a poem about motherhood, childhood, and the woman-child, my mother tried to have me committed. What a reality check! At 22, 1 put side my fear and wrote a simple poem for myself, to myself. It was straightforward, simple and direct, and almost landed me in an insane asylum. Are my words that dangerous? Are my feelings so far beyond the norm that I need to be removed from society altogether?

Yes, with a copy of my journal in hand, my mother's shrink showed up at my door-step to express her "grave concern" about my perception of reality. Not the first time, and it definitely would not be the last. As the years went by, I learned that my words would be used against me as a testimony to my madness. Only after years of therapy have I come to understand that it was not my words that were so dangerous, it was my ability to use them correctly. Perhaps it was not my sanity that should have been called into question...

I called my first piece, "On Not Being Able to Write." So simple, so eloquent, and so honest. After that little encounter, I learned about secrecy, symbolism, and self-censorship. I learned to write in riddles, live in puzzles, and think in circles. It kept others out-- but left me afraid. Afraid to be seen for who I am. Afraid of how my words were being received and how they would be interpreted. And now that things have come full circle, I am making a welcome return to honesty and a much needed reprieve from my riddles.

Let there be boundaries. Let them be impenetrable, secure, and bold. Obvious boundaries-- this is my path-- and you may not come with me. You must learn to find your own!

I think I shall buy a paint-by-numbers kit at the toy store. Simple. Impossible-but only because I can not paint!!!!



Tuesday, October 27, 2009

TIDES OF CHANGE

It seems painfully obvious to me now that the only way out was through….

If had known then what I know, I would not have wasted so much precious time searching for the source of my profound sadness. I have realized that the events leading me into this circle of despair must no longer guide me through life if I am to escape the memories of my past. Now, it is time to focus on the answers and ask a different question…

I have spent years asking myself, “How did I get here?”

Today I am wondering, “Now how the fuck do I get out?”

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blame It On The Rain

ed phoning home ouch
~fl)L~Yl8, 2003

After being rejected from a job that pays $18,000 / year at the women’s prison, a job that pays $21,000 teaching Head Start, getting fired from Red Lobster (because apparently, I am just not quite Red Lobster “material .”

I went down to the Tennessee Career Center to take advantage of their high-speed internet, free printer ink, paper, and maybe, just maybe a little perspective on the sad state of affairs in the American job market today.

My loyal readers know that my job expectations salary requirements have steadily declined along with my feelings of self-worth and esteem. I am almost willing to take back what I said try to get a job at Burger King if they would have me.

My career aspirations have dropped with each passing year. I make no excuses. Why bother.

I got hooked up with a career counselor two master’s -- one in Educational & Career Counseling; a second in Counseling Psychology. This is the guidance counselor I have been asking for since... well... since... I was old enough to realize that my mind worked just a little bit differently...

I was never in any one school long enough to have a guidance counselor.

Other than Professor Mark back in college, Bob Crain, my saving grace through the toughest times in my life, no one told me I was wasting my time and money…

Most of all I was wasting my window of opportunity… a moment in time when I almost had a world of opportunity. Without any real place to go after college, I felt I had no other choice than to become a professional student of sorts—you know, the ones who stay in school forever to take advantage of cheap housing, health insurance, and student loans.

Well, that was my first mistake.

Unfortunately, I wandered aimlessly through the system acquiring useless knowledge and letters after my name that do not mean jack in the real world.

I was never there long enough to either test my “aptitude” or implement any course of study. See—it is not my fault, you ignorant fuktards!

Ha! How do you like that?

… Blame it on my parents

… Blame it on me

… Blame it on the rain…




…Blame it on the “acting-advisor”

…The “acting-director of financial aid

...The “acting Dean”


None-the-less, the fact remains that I am apparently completely unemployable, and I would I simply refuse to take any more of those tests. Even the local mall does a background check and administers some type of personality test that I clearly cannot pass!

Listen up, you dumb fucks, I would not have bad credit if I were a thief.
I would not need a job if I had enough money to pay my bills. And when it comes to that “personality assessment” I am sorry to say that I do in fact think there is a big difference between someone who steals food to feed his family and Winona Rider.

When I saw Susan Cowden in the Tennessean this week, I was somewhat dumbfounded to see that she is the person in charge of giving people jobs.

Although I am quite certain she has no recollection of who I am, I can tell you for certain I remember her!


Not really an issue any more, since they clearly do not fit into my budget anyway! Nope. I will not take ‘em for Vanderbilt, and I will not take ‘em for law school. Not for Harvard, not for Tennessee, and I most definitely will not take ‘em for Dave Cordray (and yes, Dave, you are still in fact, such an asshole!)

Who gives a shit anymore? If you told me a fat bearded lady at the circus could decide my fate and tell me what direction I should choose next-- I would take it! I would even throw in a fat tip just for being smart enough to know that any answer-- no matter how grim is far better than just wandering aimlessly through life looking back on what might have been-- at THIRTY! AT THIRTY?

I wish I could say that after all this time I developed other ego strengths and finally felt okay with whom I am, you know.... “Just being me.” but I am sad to report that my “condition” (diagnosis) was amazingly accurate and predictable. Just like all the doctors said! I wonder if they derive joy out of being right— if they crack open a bottle of aged liquor in my father’s office and say, “see, we told you so. We told you there was nothing you could do. And so nothing they did. By doing nothing and I do mean nothing-- the illness take will its course, and I am now, in fact, nothing.

Nothing costs nothing (at least to him) and daddy made another fine investment, on the other hand, nothing has drained every hope, fear, security—chance-- every last breath from my body. I might have believed in me. And I know I’m alive because a tear just rolled down the side of my cheek. I am home.

I am the exact same 5 year old who needed to win the spelling bee. In college, I was the one to set the curve, not just make it, break the rules, and, break [them] I did. There is no glory in being second best. Second smartest, second brightest, or second anything.

But I still have not learned, for some reason with all of my failures, I am reminded of in so many ways. Me, myself watch them play out every time I shut my eyes or open them. Yes- blink, sometimes I ask myself, how did I get here? How did this happen? What happened to all of the plans I made for myself~ where did they go? Where did I go?

Constantly replayed over and over and over again in my mind. I must be FUCK1NG CRAZY! But at this moment, here, even as I say the words, I am not truly insane. 1 am merely in pain, what a tragedy that those two words rhyme-- they ruin what could have been a very profound misnomer of the human condition and the labels we hold so dear.

And so my search for mediocrity continues, and I wait for it each and every day; hoping it will find me beaten and worn from the storm… from all of the storms.

But dammit, it is still there.
I still have questions.
Those damn “elyssa” questions that made my professors so proud.
Damn ideas, damn thoughts, damn hope.

My mother still calls me everyday to see if I went down to get food stamps to feed myself. Fuck her and her fucking things. Fuck diamonds, couture, and fuck that life.

I was here mom, the whole time. Just not pretty enough with out any surgery.
Not pretty at all with all those scars.

I am the exact same 5 year old who needed to ace the Spelling Bee.
Set the curve, not just make it.
Break the rules; and break them I did.

There is no glory in being second best,
Second smartest,
Second brightest,
or second anything.

Being second sucks.
It sucks every goddamned second of the day.

Goodnight my dear friends, lets all try to have sweet dreams. Pepe awaits, as does Alanis and a pack of smokes that I can already taste. I hope you all still love me. I do actually believe that I deserve love and kindness despite the obvious fact that I am a royal pain in the ass. I refuse to work in Burger King.

What could have been, what should have been-- what might have been if you let me be…

m.e.



When in Chinese, the word Crisis is composed of two characters: One represents danger and the other represents opportunity...

JFK

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Krazy is, Krazy Does

Sorry for the disconnect... phone battery went dead. There is some good news (finally) Judge -- will be on the bench tomorrow...

Thank f'ing G-d! Because he is only person I can think of might actually take a look at the FACTS rather than the rumors. How many times do I have to call TennCare, Social Security, or the Mental Health Coop to tell to fix their own mistakes?
Ironically (and yes, I do think it is okay to cry, but also think it okay to laugh at your own problems too ("Lean to laugh at your problems, everyone else will.” When I told my rep payee to take good records, I let him know that even IF he things I'm pout my mind with paranoia, It would be so much easier to just do that than it would be to deal with me.

Legal Aid won't represent me because they said they limited resources-- well guess what? SO DO I!!!!

I went back the pharmacy and THEY DELETED scripts from my record.

Legal Aid & Pro-bono said they cannot recommend anyone to take my case for free since my father and sister are both attorneys they told me that they would have to either (1) come to Nashville (from Austria and Philadelphia to represent me or (2) make them pay for attorney fees.

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t that a little fuKt up? I spoke to someone at the PHD program because they read 64044: Medical Alert.

My sister is furious with me blames me for ruining my mothers wedding in Las Vegas, oh yeah... but she IS a "LAWYER." Whatever...

I drove 30+ miles again today to get my medical records, only to learn once again, they cannot find them.

I am so glad that there are at least a few people out there who remember me from when I was a kid people, and a few people who can identify without three blood tests to be transferred to a medical facility.

Yes, I ASKED to be committed. I called for help. I said it every single way I knew how, without asking people who were most able to give it.

I never forget a slight, and I am extremely grateful to people who didn't ask questions or doubt my intentions. I will hold themin my my thoughts, and can safely peomise that I will never again call upon you for help.
There is something to be said for paying it forward. So to people who actually took the time to phsyically see if I was okay, and to two very specuial ladies who brought me vclothing after everything I had in my possession ws taken away from me... and to the photographer who actually observed my injuries, thank you. I canhonestly say that I took one for the team. For the tweeters and twackers who let me know I was alone in my journey.. you're right I wasn't. You can tweet for peeps without bering certifiably nuts. That's not to say I am not certifiably nuts, but I thinks it rather pretentious for y'all to think that you know my mind better than I do after after 36 years. I want to believe that this feel connected to a world filled with hatred, bigotry and violence.... I made it through. And I already paid it forward.

It is pretty clear what I need, and I so tired of people asking why I can't find one. Have you seen the news? What I need is hot water. What I need is a safe place to go. What I need is the idiot who fucked up my computer to fix the damn thing. I wouldn't having a safe place for Spotty, and a little bit of acceptance. So out of respect for people that I once held in high regard, I chose to take the proper channels. I fed them information without claiming ownership... I sold a news story for $1.00. Kool... I made a dollar last year. That will pay the bills.
There were people I respected and admired, and now see as shallow and insincere. People who are afraid to be associated with someone "like" me? What exactly does that mean anyway? Aren't you impressed that I'm a Harvard Lagacy? Am I not one of the "Chosen People?"

Do you think I am living on a tiotal income of $615.00/month because it is fun?

If you can do better, pleeeeeze let me know...
If I can see somebody else doing it, then maybe I could figure out how to do it myself. I am willing to learn from anyone. Just think of all the valuabnle lessons Hitler taught us??? Yes, people are sheep.
I learned even your mistakes, so is there nothing of value that I can bring to this community???
Would you like to try going on welfare for three months or so? I think yo would enjoy the application process. After all there is nothing quite like it in the world.

So, I was "ordered" not to vvolunteer, not to call the police if I hear gun shots, because only crazy people call 911 several times in one day. Only thing is, "crazy" people exagerate the situation, so clearly if I have lived for three years, then I can certainly wait another few months. Really?
I am only allowed to use than 100 words or less in my written correspondence. Thank God for
Twitter, it is good training.
BTW (by the way ;-) The Gettysburg Address was only 267 words. Less than two tweets. Granted, I am no Lincoln, but every once in a while, I do say something important.
There is something to be said for brevity, but their is also something to be said about honesty, isolation, and the value of technology for people with disabilities. So let this be my project for "Save The Internet" because Legal Aid thought it was kinda funny when I told them that my Internet was scheduled to be diconnected.
Who needs the internet anyway? Who needs information, access, a forum, a voice??? And even if some tweets make me laugh, is that so bad?? Maybe even a small diversion from reality? Am I not worthy?
I foolishly believed that by volunteering in the community, I would come accross a real job with real wages and real benefits. Yeah, that was a great idea.

Don't worry.. I learned my lesson. I will volunteer no more. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
Let it be known I'm a pretty quick study. I am cursed with a exceptionally vivid memory. My cortisol levels have been running low since '95. You figure it out. (Robert Sapolsky: Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers)

I am truly offended by the events that led people to call my family half way around the world and the country, when all they really needed to fdo was ask me. Not all "kids" are lost... some don't want to be found.

I was told to "go home." Well guess what, people? I am home.

Who thought it was a good idea to call my mommy and daddy to tell them how I am "embarrassing myself?"

Really??? Do You think they care? KUDOS TO YOU!
www.youtube.com/v/xumsvSi8qz0&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1">

Yes, I am reckless, I am loud, I am always right, and I am "out of my mind fucking nuts" also known as "OTWFN: Off The Wall Fucking Nuts" and that is the presumption. Don't forget, I am very much father's daughter, and am very much my mother's alibi. So thanks. Points!

All the better for them because the crazier I am, the less embarrassed they feel. How about some extra credit for their excellent parenting skills.
Crazy? Loud? Different?
Guilty, as charged. I am sooo embarrassed... how dare I post crazy shit like this online? Don't I know how bazzaar that seems? Don't you? Because let's face it... there are two possibilities:

(1) I'm telling the truth, and it's serious,
~or~

(2) I'm NOT telling the truth, and it's serious.

So for everyone who told me to go home... did you actually think my parents would rush in to rescue me? You have my parents would rush in to rescus me... sorry, but no. Now I'm stuck here.

And for the record, even suggesting that there is "home" to go to... well than YOU haven't been paying attention.

Don't you realize I am home?
I find it so hard to believe that after all this time people find it easier to speak around me and actrually think that is in my best interests? Sorry, but no.

And, you need not worry-- I don't need to be told twice where I'm not welcome.

I am less than 20 miles from several people who called Philadelphia, only to find that they don't want me either. Why would they possibly want to have me in their pristine, well-decorated homes when you paint such a lovely picture.
Guess what-- I' have never even seen my father's home... nor do I expect an invitation to Thanksgiving or Christmas.
So to all the people who "phoned home" to complain about e.d., job well done, you're stuck with me now.

And since I can't get a get a job, anmd I can't really afford the gas to go anywhere, I donb't think you need to call in a crisis team. I am perfectly happy sitting here by myself listening to my favorite youtube videos and thinking about everyone else tucjed safe and snug in their Ethan Allen beds. Good night to you all... you don't need to read this, and of course, you can ALWAYS hit delete.
That makes me sick. I never was really was a child, and it is really odd that people would start treating like one now. That is such bullshit, because child support was terminated on August 15, 1988. No other provisions were made, and I earned more money at 14 than I did in the last 10 years out together.

I miss the Barge. I think it is ridiculous that people would complain that I am "embarrassing myself.” At least I'm willing to take ownership of that one... was it less embarrassing to find out my mother contacted my professors and withdrew from classes because I was "too ill" to go to school.

Is any less embarrassing then being left at the airport on Thanksgiving Day? Or told that you do not deserve to go the dentist, that you can't sleep in the guest room if you have nightmares because you I might ruin the furnituDo think I actually give a shit about embarrassing myself? Do you think for a second they are counting on it? Did you think for one moment that there might, just, may be a reason I do not want to go home.

Is it less embarrassing than having your mother finds you "housing" at a long-term state psychiatric hospital, or being told that you might not have a fill on your soda because it cost $1.00? Is it any less embarrassing than finding out you have a new two months after he was born?

Yeah, I am embarrassed. Send me to Canada PLEEEZE!!!

Yes, I can act crazy. Yes, I may be crazy, and I sure a sh-t wish I was because there might be a possibility that created all of this "in my head.” It is not normal to have 43 addresses on file. It is not normal to care more about a cat than any single human alive. So, no, I am not normal, but does that make me bad? Does it make me dangerous? Does it want being told to "leave town" or take my own my own life so that society is not burdened by caring for me financially? Well, guess what-- I do not really care anymore, and there been many times in my life where I would rather not be alive, I refuse to let "them" Not like that.

So for so many people who have silenced me before, keep in mind I am NOT psychotic. And I am definitely not "normal"
I am done. I so "over it" by now that if your embarrassed by my actions than you are giving me way too much power. I can own behavior, and I can accept my feelings. If you.

But I will not live in fear for the rest the of my life. And if I do get evicted tomorrow, so be it. It won't be the first time. And if your really lucky, there will some great new books donated to the public library. Yes, I AM ANGRY. Anger is a very strong emotion that is key to motivational theory. So yes, I am angry AND I am motivated.

According to my mother, lovely little creature that she is, I was evicted form childhood homes in Cherry Hill, Lawrence, Great Neck (North and South) and yes, of course, that was somebody else’s fault too.

Apparently was all my stepmother's fault. Nice. At least their mother would not allow them to be thrown away with each new boyfriend, tummy tuck, Jaguar or diamond ring.

So aren’t you guys glad you called my parents because now your stuck with me, my medical bills, and student debt. Isn't that special? I came here to WORK. I came here to be a part of something. I came here to lave the past behind me. I filled my long nights volunteering at the Family Shelter. I spent my dads sleeping in four-hour shifts, and hoping that my oh-so-vivid dreams might actually be pleasant for just one night.

So if and when I do leave, you can trust that I might just have to look back and think... about my death benefit of $543 dollars and the mound of debt I acquired because think I'm capable enough to work.

Why do I know that? Because I'm paying attention to the rules and I'm payoing attention to the news. It is not so random, and it not so crazy.
So here's your challenge: Blue vs. Blue; Curtis v. Klein, and Pennsylvania Act 62. But don't worry, I'm am NOT a lawyer. And I have never fioled a single lawsuit in my entire life. Yes I have filed appeals, but that'd getting old since no one bothers to follow up. What the ~ is wrong with THAT picture??????
All I can say is this, I tried. I tried damn hard. But ya know, crazy is, crazy does.
Aren't you guys lucky to have me? This is my home. This WAS my home. Thanks for making me feel so welcome. e.d. over and out.