Saturday, March 28, 2009

Krazy is, Krazy Does

Sorry for the disconnect... phone battery went dead. There is some good news (finally) Judge -- will be on the bench tomorrow...

Thank f'ing G-d! Because he is only person I can think of might actually take a look at the FACTS rather than the rumors. How many times do I have to call TennCare, Social Security, or the Mental Health Coop to tell to fix their own mistakes?
Ironically (and yes, I do think it is okay to cry, but also think it okay to laugh at your own problems too ("Lean to laugh at your problems, everyone else will.” When I told my rep payee to take good records, I let him know that even IF he things I'm pout my mind with paranoia, It would be so much easier to just do that than it would be to deal with me.

Legal Aid won't represent me because they said they limited resources-- well guess what? SO DO I!!!!

I went back the pharmacy and THEY DELETED scripts from my record.

Legal Aid & Pro-bono said they cannot recommend anyone to take my case for free since my father and sister are both attorneys they told me that they would have to either (1) come to Nashville (from Austria and Philadelphia to represent me or (2) make them pay for attorney fees.

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t that a little fuKt up? I spoke to someone at the PHD program because they read 64044: Medical Alert.

My sister is furious with me blames me for ruining my mothers wedding in Las Vegas, oh yeah... but she IS a "LAWYER." Whatever...

I drove 30+ miles again today to get my medical records, only to learn once again, they cannot find them.

I am so glad that there are at least a few people out there who remember me from when I was a kid people, and a few people who can identify without three blood tests to be transferred to a medical facility.

Yes, I ASKED to be committed. I called for help. I said it every single way I knew how, without asking people who were most able to give it.

I never forget a slight, and I am extremely grateful to people who didn't ask questions or doubt my intentions. I will hold themin my my thoughts, and can safely peomise that I will never again call upon you for help.
There is something to be said for paying it forward. So to people who actually took the time to phsyically see if I was okay, and to two very specuial ladies who brought me vclothing after everything I had in my possession ws taken away from me... and to the photographer who actually observed my injuries, thank you. I canhonestly say that I took one for the team. For the tweeters and twackers who let me know I was alone in my journey.. you're right I wasn't. You can tweet for peeps without bering certifiably nuts. That's not to say I am not certifiably nuts, but I thinks it rather pretentious for y'all to think that you know my mind better than I do after after 36 years. I want to believe that this feel connected to a world filled with hatred, bigotry and violence.... I made it through. And I already paid it forward.

It is pretty clear what I need, and I so tired of people asking why I can't find one. Have you seen the news? What I need is hot water. What I need is a safe place to go. What I need is the idiot who fucked up my computer to fix the damn thing. I wouldn't having a safe place for Spotty, and a little bit of acceptance. So out of respect for people that I once held in high regard, I chose to take the proper channels. I fed them information without claiming ownership... I sold a news story for $1.00. Kool... I made a dollar last year. That will pay the bills.
There were people I respected and admired, and now see as shallow and insincere. People who are afraid to be associated with someone "like" me? What exactly does that mean anyway? Aren't you impressed that I'm a Harvard Lagacy? Am I not one of the "Chosen People?"

Do you think I am living on a tiotal income of $615.00/month because it is fun?

If you can do better, pleeeeeze let me know...
If I can see somebody else doing it, then maybe I could figure out how to do it myself. I am willing to learn from anyone. Just think of all the valuabnle lessons Hitler taught us??? Yes, people are sheep.
I learned even your mistakes, so is there nothing of value that I can bring to this community???
Would you like to try going on welfare for three months or so? I think yo would enjoy the application process. After all there is nothing quite like it in the world.

So, I was "ordered" not to vvolunteer, not to call the police if I hear gun shots, because only crazy people call 911 several times in one day. Only thing is, "crazy" people exagerate the situation, so clearly if I have lived for three years, then I can certainly wait another few months. Really?
I am only allowed to use than 100 words or less in my written correspondence. Thank God for
Twitter, it is good training.
BTW (by the way ;-) The Gettysburg Address was only 267 words. Less than two tweets. Granted, I am no Lincoln, but every once in a while, I do say something important.
There is something to be said for brevity, but their is also something to be said about honesty, isolation, and the value of technology for people with disabilities. So let this be my project for "Save The Internet" because Legal Aid thought it was kinda funny when I told them that my Internet was scheduled to be diconnected.
Who needs the internet anyway? Who needs information, access, a forum, a voice??? And even if some tweets make me laugh, is that so bad?? Maybe even a small diversion from reality? Am I not worthy?
I foolishly believed that by volunteering in the community, I would come accross a real job with real wages and real benefits. Yeah, that was a great idea.

Don't worry.. I learned my lesson. I will volunteer no more. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
Let it be known I'm a pretty quick study. I am cursed with a exceptionally vivid memory. My cortisol levels have been running low since '95. You figure it out. (Robert Sapolsky: Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers)

I am truly offended by the events that led people to call my family half way around the world and the country, when all they really needed to fdo was ask me. Not all "kids" are lost... some don't want to be found.

I was told to "go home." Well guess what, people? I am home.

Who thought it was a good idea to call my mommy and daddy to tell them how I am "embarrassing myself?"

Really??? Do You think they care? KUDOS TO YOU!">

Yes, I am reckless, I am loud, I am always right, and I am "out of my mind fucking nuts" also known as "OTWFN: Off The Wall Fucking Nuts" and that is the presumption. Don't forget, I am very much father's daughter, and am very much my mother's alibi. So thanks. Points!

All the better for them because the crazier I am, the less embarrassed they feel. How about some extra credit for their excellent parenting skills.
Crazy? Loud? Different?
Guilty, as charged. I am sooo embarrassed... how dare I post crazy shit like this online? Don't I know how bazzaar that seems? Don't you? Because let's face it... there are two possibilities:

(1) I'm telling the truth, and it's serious,

(2) I'm NOT telling the truth, and it's serious.

So for everyone who told me to go home... did you actually think my parents would rush in to rescue me? You have my parents would rush in to rescus me... sorry, but no. Now I'm stuck here.

And for the record, even suggesting that there is "home" to go to... well than YOU haven't been paying attention.

Don't you realize I am home?
I find it so hard to believe that after all this time people find it easier to speak around me and actrually think that is in my best interests? Sorry, but no.

And, you need not worry-- I don't need to be told twice where I'm not welcome.

I am less than 20 miles from several people who called Philadelphia, only to find that they don't want me either. Why would they possibly want to have me in their pristine, well-decorated homes when you paint such a lovely picture.
Guess what-- I' have never even seen my father's home... nor do I expect an invitation to Thanksgiving or Christmas.
So to all the people who "phoned home" to complain about e.d., job well done, you're stuck with me now.

And since I can't get a get a job, anmd I can't really afford the gas to go anywhere, I donb't think you need to call in a crisis team. I am perfectly happy sitting here by myself listening to my favorite youtube videos and thinking about everyone else tucjed safe and snug in their Ethan Allen beds. Good night to you all... you don't need to read this, and of course, you can ALWAYS hit delete.
That makes me sick. I never was really was a child, and it is really odd that people would start treating like one now. That is such bullshit, because child support was terminated on August 15, 1988. No other provisions were made, and I earned more money at 14 than I did in the last 10 years out together.

I miss the Barge. I think it is ridiculous that people would complain that I am "embarrassing myself.” At least I'm willing to take ownership of that one... was it less embarrassing to find out my mother contacted my professors and withdrew from classes because I was "too ill" to go to school.

Is any less embarrassing then being left at the airport on Thanksgiving Day? Or told that you do not deserve to go the dentist, that you can't sleep in the guest room if you have nightmares because you I might ruin the furnituDo think I actually give a shit about embarrassing myself? Do you think for a second they are counting on it? Did you think for one moment that there might, just, may be a reason I do not want to go home.

Is it less embarrassing than having your mother finds you "housing" at a long-term state psychiatric hospital, or being told that you might not have a fill on your soda because it cost $1.00? Is it any less embarrassing than finding out you have a new two months after he was born?

Yeah, I am embarrassed. Send me to Canada PLEEEZE!!!

Yes, I can act crazy. Yes, I may be crazy, and I sure a sh-t wish I was because there might be a possibility that created all of this "in my head.” It is not normal to have 43 addresses on file. It is not normal to care more about a cat than any single human alive. So, no, I am not normal, but does that make me bad? Does it make me dangerous? Does it want being told to "leave town" or take my own my own life so that society is not burdened by caring for me financially? Well, guess what-- I do not really care anymore, and there been many times in my life where I would rather not be alive, I refuse to let "them" Not like that.

So for so many people who have silenced me before, keep in mind I am NOT psychotic. And I am definitely not "normal"
I am done. I so "over it" by now that if your embarrassed by my actions than you are giving me way too much power. I can own behavior, and I can accept my feelings. If you.

But I will not live in fear for the rest the of my life. And if I do get evicted tomorrow, so be it. It won't be the first time. And if your really lucky, there will some great new books donated to the public library. Yes, I AM ANGRY. Anger is a very strong emotion that is key to motivational theory. So yes, I am angry AND I am motivated.

According to my mother, lovely little creature that she is, I was evicted form childhood homes in Cherry Hill, Lawrence, Great Neck (North and South) and yes, of course, that was somebody else’s fault too.

Apparently was all my stepmother's fault. Nice. At least their mother would not allow them to be thrown away with each new boyfriend, tummy tuck, Jaguar or diamond ring.

So aren’t you guys glad you called my parents because now your stuck with me, my medical bills, and student debt. Isn't that special? I came here to WORK. I came here to be a part of something. I came here to lave the past behind me. I filled my long nights volunteering at the Family Shelter. I spent my dads sleeping in four-hour shifts, and hoping that my oh-so-vivid dreams might actually be pleasant for just one night.

So if and when I do leave, you can trust that I might just have to look back and think... about my death benefit of $543 dollars and the mound of debt I acquired because think I'm capable enough to work.

Why do I know that? Because I'm paying attention to the rules and I'm payoing attention to the news. It is not so random, and it not so crazy.
So here's your challenge: Blue vs. Blue; Curtis v. Klein, and Pennsylvania Act 62. But don't worry, I'm am NOT a lawyer. And I have never fioled a single lawsuit in my entire life. Yes I have filed appeals, but that'd getting old since no one bothers to follow up. What the ~ is wrong with THAT picture??????
All I can say is this, I tried. I tried damn hard. But ya know, crazy is, crazy does.
Aren't you guys lucky to have me? This is my home. This WAS my home. Thanks for making me feel so welcome. e.d. over and out.

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Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.