Krazy is, Krazy Does

Sorry for the disconnect... phone battery went dead. There is some good news (finally) Judge -- will be on the bench tomorrow...

Thank f'ing G-d! Because he is only person I can think of might actually take a look at the FACTS rather than the rumors. How many times do I have to call TennCare, Social Security, or the Mental Health Coop to tell to fix their own mistakes?

Ironically (and yes, I do think it is okay to cry, but also think it okay to laugh at your own problems too ("Lean to laugh at your problems, everyone else will.” When I told my rep payee to take good records, I let him know that even IF he things I'm pout my mind with paranoia, It would be so much easier to just do that than it would be to deal with me.

Legal Aid won't represent me because they said they limited resources-- well guess what? SO DO I!!!!

I went back the pharmacy and THEY DELETED scripts from my record.

Legal Aid & Pro-bono said they cannot recommend anyone to take my case for free since my father and sister are both attorneys they told me that they would have to either (1) come to Nashville (from Austria and Philadelphia to represent me or (2) make them pay for attorney fees.

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t that a little fuKt up? I spoke to someone at the PHD program because they read 64044: Medical Alert.

My sister is furious with me blames me for ruining my mothers wedding in Las Vegas, oh yeah... but she IS a "LAWYER." Whatever...

I drove 30+ miles again today to get my medical records, only to learn once again, they cannot find them.

I am so glad that there are at least a few people out there who remember me from when I was a kid people, and a few people who can identify without three blood tests to be transferred to a medical facility.

Yes, I ASKED to be committed. I called for help. I said it every single way I knew how, without asking people who were most able to give it.

I never forget a slight, and I am extremely grateful to people who didn't ask questions or doubt my intentions. I will hold themin my my thoughts, and can safely peomise that I will never again call upon you for help.

There is something to be said for paying it forward. So to people who actually took the time to phsyically see if I was okay, and to two very specuial ladies who brought me vclothing after everything I had in my possession ws taken away from me... and to the photographer who actually observed my injuries, thank you. I canhonestly say that I took one for the team. For the tweeters and twackers who let me know I was alone in my journey.. you're right I wasn't. You can tweet for peeps without bering certifiably nuts. That's not to say I am not certifiably nuts, but I thinks it rather pretentious for y'all to think that you know my mind better than I do after after 36 years. I want to believe that this feel connected to a world filled with hatred, bigotry and violence.... I made it through. And I already paid it forward.

It is pretty clear what I need, and I so tired of people asking why I can't find one. Have you seen the news? What I need is hot water. What I need is a safe place to go. What I need is the idiot who fucked up my computer to fix the damn thing. I wouldn't having a safe place for Spotty, and a little bit of acceptance. So out of respect for people that I once held in high regard, I chose to take the proper channels. I fed them information without claiming ownership... I sold a news story for $1.00. Kool... I made a dollar last year. That will pay the bills.

There were people I respected and admired, and now see as shallow and insincere. People who are afraid to be associated with someone "like" me? What exactly does that mean anyway? Aren't you impressed that I'm a Harvard Lagacy? Am I not one of the "Chosen People?"

Do you think I am living on a tiotal income of $615.00/month because it is fun?

If you can do better, pleeeeeze let me know...

If I can see somebody else doing it, then maybe I could figure out how to do it myself. I am willing to learn from anyone. Just think of all the valuabnle lessons Hitler taught us??? Yes, people are sheep.

I learned even your mistakes, so is there nothing of value that I can bring to this community???

Would you like to try going on welfare for three months or so? I think yo would enjoy the application process. After all there is nothing quite like it in the world.

So, I was "ordered" not to vvolunteer, not to call the police if I hear gun shots, because only crazy people call 911 several times in one day. Only thing is, "crazy" people exagerate the situation, so clearly if I have lived for three years, then I can certainly wait another few months. Really?

I am only allowed to use than 100 words or less in my written correspondence. Thank God for

Twitter, it is good training.

BTW (by the way ;-) The Gettysburg Address was only 267 words. Less than two tweets. Granted, I am no Lincoln, but every once in a while, I do say something important.
There is something to be said for brevity, but their is also something to be said about honesty, isolation, and the value of technology for people with disabilities. So let this be my project for "Save The Internet" because Legal Aid thought it was kinda funny when I told them that my Internet was scheduled to be diconnected.

Who needs the internet anyway? Who needs information, access, a forum, a voice??? And even if some tweets make me laugh, is that so bad?? Maybe even a small diversion from reality? Am I not worthy?

I foolishly believed that by volunteering in the community, I would come accross a real job with real wages and real benefits. Yeah, that was a great idea.

Don't worry.. I learned my lesson. I will volunteer no more. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

Let it be known I'm a pretty quick study. I am cursed with a exceptionally vivid memory. My cortisol levels have been running low since '95. You figure it out. (Robert Sapolsky: Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers)

I am truly offended by the events that led people to call my family half way around the world and the country, when all they really needed to fdo was ask me. Not all "kids" are lost... some don't want to be found.

I was told to "go home." Well guess what, people? I am home.

Who thought it was a good idea to call my mommy and daddy to tell them how I am "embarrassing myself?"

Really??? Do You think they care? KUDOS TO YOU!
www.youtube.com/v/xumsvSi8qz0&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1">

Yes, I am reckless, I am loud, I am always right, and I am "out of my mind fucking nuts" also known as "OTWFN: Off The Wall Fucking Nuts" and that is the presumption. Don't forget, I am very much father's daughter, and am very much my mother's alibi. So thanks. Points!

All the better for them because the crazier I am, the less embarrassed they feel. How about some extra credit for their excellent parenting skills.

Crazy? Loud? Different?

Guilty, as charged. I am sooo embarrassed... how dare I post crazy shit like this online? Don't I know how bazzaar that seems? Don't you? Because let's face it... there are two possibilities:

(1) I'm telling the truth, and it's serious,

~or~

(2) I'm NOT telling the truth, and it's serious.

So for everyone who told me to go home... did you actually think my parents would rush in to rescue me? You have my parents would rush in to rescus me... sorry, but no. Now I'm stuck here.

And for the record, even suggesting that there is "home" to go to... well than YOU haven't been paying attention.

Don't you realize I am home?

I find it so hard to believe that after all this time people find it easier to speak around me and actrually think that is in my best interests? Sorry, but no.

And, you need not worry-- I don't need to be told twice where I'm not welcome.

I am less than 20 miles from several people who called Philadelphia, only to find that they don't want me either. Why would they possibly want to have me in their pristine, well-decorated homes when you paint such a lovely picture.

Guess what-- I' have never even seen my father's home... nor do I expect an invitation to Thanksgiving or Christmas.

So to all the people who "phoned home" to complain about e.d., job well done, you're stuck with me now.

And since I can't get a get a job, anmd I can't really afford the gas to go anywhere, I donb't think you need to call in a crisis team. I am perfectly happy sitting here by myself listening to my favorite youtube videos and thinking about everyone else tucjed safe and snug in their Ethan Allen beds. Good night to you all... you don't need to read this, and of course, you can ALWAYS hit delete.

That makes me sick. I never was really was a child, and it is really odd that people would start treating like one now. That is such bullshit, because child support was terminated on August 15, 1988. No other provisions were made, and I earned more money at 14 than I did in the last 10 years out together.

I miss the Barge. I think it is ridiculous that people would complain that I am "embarrassing myself.” At least I'm willing to take ownership of that one... was it less embarrassing to find out my mother contacted my professors and withdrew from classes because I was "too ill" to go to school.

Is any less embarrassing then being left at the airport on Thanksgiving Day? Or told that you do not deserve to go the dentist, that you can't sleep in the guest room if you have nightmares because you I might ruin the furnituDo think I actually give a shit about embarrassing myself? Do you think for a second they are counting on it? Did you think for one moment that there might, just, may be a reason I do not want to go home.

Is it less embarrassing than having your mother finds you "housing" at a long-term state psychiatric hospital, or being told that you might not have a fill on your soda because it cost $1.00? Is it any less embarrassing than finding out you have a new two months after he was born?

Yeah, I am embarrassed. Send me to Canada PLEEEZE!!!

Yes, I can act crazy. Yes, I may be crazy, and I sure a sh-t wish I was because there might be a possibility that created all of this "in my head.” It is not normal to have 43 addresses on file. It is not normal to care more about a cat than any single human alive. So, no, I am not normal, but does that make me bad? Does it make me dangerous? Does it want being told to "leave town" or take my own my own life so that society is not burdened by caring for me financially? Well, guess what-- I do not really care anymore, and there been many times in my life where I would rather not be alive, I refuse to let "them" Not like that.

So for so many people who have silenced me before, keep in mind I am NOT psychotic. And I am definitely not "normal"

I am done. I so "over it" by now that if your embarrassed by my actions than you are giving me way too much power. I can own behavior, and I can accept my feelings. If you.

But I will not live in fear for the rest the of my life. And if I do get evicted tomorrow, so be it. It won't be the first time. And if your really lucky, there will some great new books donated to the public library. Yes, I AM ANGRY. Anger is a very strong emotion that is key to motivational theory. So yes, I am angry AND I am motivated.

According to my mother, lovely little creature that she is, I was evicted form childhood homes in Cherry Hill, Lawrence, Great Neck (North and South) and yes, of course, that was somebody else’s fault too.

Apparently was all my stepmother's fault. Nice. At least their mother would not allow them to be thrown away with each new boyfriend, tummy tuck, Jaguar or diamond ring.

So aren’t you guys glad you called my parents because now your stuck with me, my medical bills, and student debt. Isn't that special? I came here to WORK. I came here to be a part of something. I came here to lave the past behind me. I filled my long nights volunteering at the Family Shelter. I spent my dads sleeping in four-hour shifts, and hoping that my oh-so-vivid dreams might actually be pleasant for just one night.

So if and when I do leave, you can trust that I might just have to look back and think... about my death benefit of $543 dollars and the mound of debt I acquired because think I'm capable enough to work.

Why do I know that? Because I'm paying attention to the rules and I'm payoing attention to the news. It is not so random, and it not so crazy.

So here's your challenge: Blue vs. Blue; Curtis v. Klein, and Pennsylvania Act 62. But don't worry, I'm am NOT a lawyer. And I have never fioled a single lawsuit in my entire life. Yes I have filed appeals, but that'd getting old since no one bothers to follow up. What the ~ is wrong with THAT picture??????

All I can say is this, I tried. I tried damn hard. But ya know, crazy is, crazy does.

Aren't you guys lucky to have me? This is my home. This WAS my home. Thanks for making me feel so welcome. e.d. over and out.

TIME ISSUES: The Powers That Tweet

March 24, 2009

Dear Representatives:

Thank you so much for your time and thoughtful consideration of the I do hope that people can learn from the mistakes of the past and perhaps realize that while matters of law should be consistent and rules are important for children, not all children respond to the same set of rules.

I attaching three documents to this e-mail that I hope will demonstrate how child custody can eventually become a very adult matter. Unfortunately, custody disputes and child arrangements can have some unintended consequences. In my case, the primary insurance company, Pennsylvania Blue Cross Blue Shield demanded a QMCSO (Qualified Medical Child Support Order) before they would provide me with a copy of my plan benefits plan, insurance identification card, and EOBs (explanation of benefits) They attorney for Blue Cross Blue Shield waited exactly 6 months 15 days after my 23rd birthday before mailing this information. Conveniently, two weeks after the terminal liability clause ran out.

Make no mistake. Denying a beneficiary of information regarding policy benefits and claims is a blatant violation of federal law. It comes under a class of civil litigation that has been historically difficult to win, and it is near impossible to collect ERISA claims. By the time I had received the information about my benefits, my condition deteriorated so quickly that I wound up in the emrgency room wiith bone spurs and even that calim was never paid.

Although it was determined that Pennsylvania Blue Shield was in violation of both state and federal law, I was so exhausted by the whole process that I never bothered never collected the penalty fees of $100 per day that were confirmed by the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare and the Pennsylvania Insurance Department.

It would have been near impossible to file a claim against Blue Cross Blue Shield, especially in the 3rd Circuit.

COBRA:

When I asked about COBRA benefits, Penna BCBS claimed it was the responsibility of the plan administrator and/or fiduciary to offer and extend COBRA. The paln admistrator must notify you in writing within two weeks of the qualifying event (in my case, my 23rd birthday)

Again, Pennsylvania BlCBS denied my rquests for informtion. They refused to honor a request for COBRA continuation, and argued that any requests for COBRA continuation must be directed towards the plan fiduciary or plan administrator.

Of course, that information was not made available to me, and Iever received a response from the Department of Labor in Washington, DC. To this day, March 28, 2009, I do not know the name of the Plan Fiduciary.

The next insurance company (Chickering / Aetna US HealthScare) claimed that Penna BCBS had terminal liability since I was disabled at the time of the qualifying event (my 23rd birthday)

The third insurance company (Oxford Health Insurance, an HMO in New York State) told me that as the third payor in line, I could only submit claims after providing them with proof that the claim had beendenied under the Penna BCBS terminal liability clause, and the Graduate Student Health Insurance at Columbia University.

So despite paying several hundred dollars each month, they ultimately covered little more than a limited number of visits to a primary care provider, and one trip to the ob/gyn for an annual exam.

When I moved to Tennessee in 1996, I had no idea that I would be sitting here almost 15 years later waiting on prior-authorizations, pharmacy overrides, and appealing and filing the same paper work for TennCare that I submitted back in '96.

Because I had received a full scholarship into a PhD program in Public Policy, I intended to purchase the Graduate Student Health Insurance through Vanderbilt University and expected a seamless transition since Ihad maintained contimuous coverage.

Although both Vanderbilt and Columbia Universities used the same insurance company, Chickering / Aetna US HealthCare, they had different group numbers so the policy would not transfer benefits.

Ultimately the state of Tennessee is picking up the tab in every sense of the word. Because the care I received was delayed and did not meet the established standard of care set forth by the medical community.

By the time I started to receive treatment for y physical condition, my mind was so far gone that it I could think of nothing other than ICD-9 codes, reimbursement rates, and preparing for the next round of appeals.

In the most disturbing twist of fate, I learned that Vanderbilt University did not provide mental health treatment for their Graduate Students. So having once, perhaps been of sound mind, I now had developed a full blown case of PTSD.

I was able to gain access to the Chief of Neurology and the Vanderbilt Spine Center through a special process that required considerable planning and persistance. And if nothing else, the one thing I am is persistent.

My neurologist began to notice signs of acute stress and made a referal to a neuropsychologist that he had hand picked, but by that time I simply did not have the strength, the fortitude or the desire to continue spending each and every day filinginsurance claims and appeals, that it was easier to live with the physical pain than be confronted with the emotional trauma each and every day, over, and over, and over again.

I no longer received the most basic of care for an list of diagnoses that seemedto be growing exponentially. I could not focus on anything other than insurance law and policy (which I barely passed) and wondering if I would ever be able to be independent and free from this awful experience, and the answer is an obvious NO.

I stopped applying for prior authorization, overrides, appeals and everything else, and just went through the motions with an occasional visit to the Student Health Center if I needed a flu shot or a throat culture.

I was referred to a specialist in neuropsychology and physiology because by that time, there were systemic changes to my mind and body. My cortisol levels tested below normal which seems odd to anyone under acute stress. What I learned, unfortunately, is that after long term periods of extreme and abnormal trauma and stress, the body and mind become numb and lack critical thinking skills and motivation due to chemical changes that occur over time.

I could read it, I could feel it, I could understand it, but I couild not stop the external forces that contributed to my condition. Do not think for a seconfd that I have an external locus of control, because I do recognize the difference between receiving a letter from the IRS and a coupon promising benefits that are like the Sweepstakes gone bad.

So the so called junk mail piled up, people continued to speculate as to what the ~ was wrong with me, but nobody offered to help.

There are times in life where the failure to act can be just as devistating and harmful to a person as making a bad decision. So nobody took me seriouslym and thought I must be living some fantasy in my head that was some how "controlling" my obsessive need to lock in my personal information and social secutrity number.

Today, I think I may put my Social Security Card on eBay since it is completely useless to me.

You don't to call my parents or call mobile crisis, I am neither homicidal, suicidal or delusional, I'm just determined set the record straight before my internet is terminated and/or I have to find another place to live, which at this point would most like;y be in my car.

I have no worries about anyone getting harmed right nowm because I'm sure that I know the difference between reckless endagerment and criminal negligence. So please don't call me today, I really don't feel like putting a smile for anyone other than myself. Tweet if you must... perhaps I should this post the Powers That Tweet.

I could clearly see the Writing On The Wall , and had littlehope or optisimism that that my situation would improve. One of the most significant factors predicting the outcomes of treatment modalities along with the long term prognosis for treating crazy people like me.

At times I look forward to the final straw that truly does put me over the edge. That way I could stop living my life in a way that focuses only on the physical "chain of evidence"which was exaplained to me last week at the loony bin. I think I am a pretty good judge when it comes to recognizing HIPPA violations and third party disclosure disclosures of legally protected medical information.

But to give an idea about how serious this situation is, I have already scanned in the necessary tax documents to link them back to the original source, but ironically that person does not bother to check their email unless they want something form me.

I won't be speaking today I'm rather more interested in preparing for a trial on April the 1st, and of course Tax Daym again, on the 15th. Yeah, this should be fun.

So do me a favor and DO diligence for once. Do the right thing just for today.

And as much as I hate the fact that my body hurts and I have to find someway to strech eleven dollars over the next two weeks, that I would appreciate a few tweets even though I have no idea how the stupid thjing works on my cell phone.

But whatever, I've got work to do. Catch you later.

edd

Side note: cut and paste... computer off, youtube on. Now I'm smiling...

I doubt anyone who knows me, and I mean actually knows me wants interefere with my ability to write and listen to the Dixie Chicks desire to write. Do you really want to challenge me just for today to stop writing. I do realize the difference between the formal process of communications and the krazy kid talk which scares the bejesus out of people. Whatever... this is up for grabs... I'm going to get a cheeseburger for a buck.

... blah blah blah blah.. blah blah...

informal assessment people make regarding someone's personal information.

Some documents are subject to re-disclosure and medical privacy protectionsm some are not. But recent weeks have shown me the hurtful side of informal assessment and how that can effect a grown person like myself who normally would not give a rat's ass as to what other eople opinions and judgments regarding my character.

Not today. Not right now. If you need clarify any of this I would refer to a graduate level seminar on the Sociology of Evaluation. I'm sure you can find online somewhere. I need a break.

There are times where I wish for that the my body would just go ahread anfd the rest of my adrenaline and cortisol so I cuild be free from the physical pain I feel right now, and theinherent sadness that comes from the realization that you can only do so much for so ling, and the healthy thing is to goive up. I'm still undecided.

Emotionally I cannot process the reason for this madness, and I am not referring to the madness in my head.

~insert figure 1 about here ~

... that of permanet state numbness that comes sustained periods of extrordinary stress and trauma... received gone so long without care, despite have three (overlapping) private health insurance policies I ultimately wound up on TennCare since it was a constant battle to identify the primary payor source responsible for payment. bla, blah, blah...

As a result I have been on TennCare since 1996, and I can assure you that the state is not getting off cheap. Please do not allow the Mandatory Joint Custody Bill to go through. I would not wish this experience on anyone, least of all, a child.

Please feel free to distribute these documents to all members of the Domestic Relations Committee, as they are in no way confidential at this point in time.

Thank you again for your time and consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Elyssa

--
Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Nashville, Tennessee
Cell: (615) 424-8810
E-mail: ed70@columbia.edu
http://thepowersthatbeat.blogspot.com/
http://labs.daylife.com/journalist/elyssa_durant
http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/145691/elyssa_durant.html


"You may not care how much I know, but you don't know how much I care."

-Elyssa D'Educrat

Complete Confusion: Career in Crisis

Career in Crisis: Complete Confusion
After being rejected from a job that pays $18,000 / year at the women's prison, a job that pays $21,000 teaching Head Start, getting fired from Red Lobster (because apparently, I am just not Red Lobster "material"
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1603546/career_in_crisis_complete_confusion.html


Career in Crisis: Career Confusion

ed phoning home ouch
~fl)L~Yl8, 2003

After being rejected from a job that pays $18,000 / year at the women's prison, a job that pays $21,000 teaching Head Start, getting fired from Red Lobster (because apparently, I am just not Red Lobster "material" I decided to go to the Tennessee Career Center to take advantage of their high speed internet, free printer paper, and ink...

now would not be the best time to mention my senior thesis-- or my grad school major, or the fact that i spent the better part life as a volunteer and advocate for children at-risk.. working to give them hope and a second chance at life.

systematically invalidating such bogus, barnum-type feedback that one typically gets from a MBTI type of personality test that is given during high school or in college. i won't bother to mention the standardization of SAT scores to help our country feel better-- or the fact that the stanford-binet was created for military issue only.

who gives a shit anymore??? if you told a me a fat bearded lady at the circus could decide my fate and tell me what direction i should choose next-- i'd take it! and throw in a fat tip for being smart enough to know that any answer-- no matter how grim, is far better than just wandering aimlessly through life looking back on what might have been-- at THIRTY! AT THIRTY!!!!

after receiving five letters of rejection from jobs that require nothing more than a GED or a high school diploma, i decided to go to the tennessee career center hoping to find a job that will allow me to afford the most basic necessities of life. toothpaste, toilet paper, cat food... i got hooked up with a counselor that afternoon. he has two masters degrees-- one in educational career counseling, and a second in counseling psychology. could this be the guidance counselor i have been asking for since.. well... since... i was old enough to know was in need of guidance?

surely someone else must have recognized i was in need of guidance, but god knows my parents weren't paying attention, and having good genes just doesn't cut it these days. but now more than ever, i realize that having all the smarts in the world won't get you anywhere if you never learned how to apply them.

i am the exact same five year old who needed to win the spelling bee. in college, i was the one to set the curve, not just make it. the one to break the rules, and, break them i did, but there is no glory in being second best, second smartest, second brightest, or second anything.

i wish i could say that after all this time i developed other ego strengths and finally felt okay with who i am, you know.... "just being me," but i am sad to report that my "condition" (diagnosis) was amazingly accurate and predictable. just like all the doctors said! i wonder if they derive joy out of being right-- if they crack open a bottle of aged liquor in my fathers office and say, "see, we told you so. we told you their was nothing you could do." and so nothing they did.

and by doing nothing, and i do mean nothing-- the illness will just take will its course. and i am now, in fact, nothing. nothing costs nothing (at least to them) and daddy made another fine investment. on the other hand, nothing has drained every hope, fear, security-- every chance-- and every last breath from my body. i might have believed in me. but i know i'm alive because a tear just rolled down the side of my cheek. i am home.

but i still haven't learned. for some reason with all of my failures i am reminded of in so many ways... me, myself, as i watch them play out every time i shut my eyes or open them. yes- blink.

sometimes i ask myself, how did i get here? how did this happen? what happened to all of the plans i made for myself? where did they go? where did I go? constantly replayed over and over and over again in my mind. i must be FUCK1NG CRAZY!

but at this moment, here, even as i say the words, i am not truly insane, i am merely in pain. what a tragedy that those two words rhyme-- they ruin what could have been a very profound misnomer of the human condition and the labels we hold so dear.

i am the exact same 5 year old who needed to ACE the spelling bee, set the curve, not just make it; break the rules, and, break them i did. there is no glory in being second best. second smartest, second brightest, or second anything. being second sucks. it sucks every god-damned second of the day.

and so my search for mediocrity continues and i wait for it each and every day hoping it will find me beaten and worn from the storm. all of the storms, but dammit, its still there. i still have questions those damn elyssa questions that made all my professors so proud, damn ideas, damn thoughts, damn hope.

my mother still calls me everyday to see if i went to get food stamps to feed myself, fuck her, and her fucking things. fuck diamonds and couture and fuck that life. i was here mom, the whole fucking time. just not pretty enough with out any surgery. not pretty at all, with all those damn scars.

i hope someone out there still loves me. i do actually believe that i deserve love and kindness despite the obvious fact that i am a royal pain in the ass. i refuse to work in burger king. for right now, at least.

so goodnight my dear friends. let's all try to have sweet dreams. pepe awaits, as does alanis, and a pack of smokes that i can already taste.

yes, what could have been, what should have been-- what MIGHT have been if you let me be
m.e.

"When written in chinese, the word Crisis is composed of tvo characters: One represents danger and the other represents opportunity." -JFK

Labels: Dark Night, EyePhobic, IM Phobic

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Elyssa Lies

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I AM SOOOOO EMBARRASED!

Sorry for the disconnect... phone battery went dead. There is some good news (finally) Judge -- will be in the bench tomorrow...

Thank f'ing G-d! Because he is only person I can think of might actually take a look at the FACTS rather than the rumors. How many times do I have to call TennCare, Social Security, or the Mental Health Coop to tell to fix their own mistakes?


Ironically (and yes, I do think it is okay to cry, but also think it okay to laugh at your own problems too ("Lean to laugh at your problems, everyone else will.” When I told my rep payee to take good records, I let him know that even IF he things I'm pout my mind with paranoia, It would be so much easier to just do that than it would be to deal with me.

Legal Aid won't represent me because they said they limited resources-- well guess what? SO DO I!!!!

I went back the pharmacy and THEY DELETED scripts from my record.

Legal Aid & Pro-bono said they cannot recommend anyone to take my case for free since my father and sister are both attorneys they told me that they would have to either (1) come to Nashville (from Austria and Philadelphia to represent me or (2) make them pay for attorney fees.

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t that a little fuKt up? I spoke to someone at the PHD program because they read 64044: Medical Alert.

My sister is furious with me blames me for ruining my mothers wedding in Las Vegas, oh yeah... but she IS a "LAWYER." Whatever...

I drove 30+ miles again today to get my medical records, only to learn once again, they cannot find them.

I am so glad that there are at least a few people out there who remember me from when I was a kid people, and a few people who can identify without three blood tests to be transferred to a medical facility.

Yes, I ASKED to be committed. I called for help. I said it every single way I knew how, without asking people who were most able to give it.

I never forget a slight, and I am extremely grateful to people who didn't ask questions or doubt my intentions. I will hold themin my my thoughts, and can safely peomise that I will never agai call upon you for help.

There is something to be said for paying it forward. So to people who actually took the time to phsyically see if I was okay, and to two very specuial ladies who brought me vclothing after everything I had in my possession ws taken away from me... and to the photographer who actually observed my injuries, thank you. I canhonestly say that I took one for the team. For the tweeters and twackers who let me know I was alone in my journey.. you're right I wasn't. You can tweet for peeps without bering certifiably nuts. That's not to say I am not certifiably nuts, but I thinks it rather pretentious for y'all to think that you know my mind better than I do after after 36 years. I want to believe that this feel connected to a world filled with hatred, bigotry and violence.... I made it through. And I already paid it forward.

It is pretty clear what I need, and I so tired of people asking why I can't find one. Have you seen the news? What I need is hot water. What I need is a safe place to go. What I need is the idiot who fucked up my computer to fix the damn thing. I wouldn't having a safe place for Spotty, and a little bit of acceptance. So out of respect for people that I once held in high regard, I chose to take the proper channels. I fed them information without claiming ownership... I sold a news story for $1.00. Kool... I made a dollar last year. That will pay the bills.

There were people I respected and admired, and now see as shallow and insincere. People who are afraid to be associated with someone "like" me? What exactly does that mean anyway? Aren't you impressed that I'm a Harvard Lagacy? Am I not one of the "Chosen People?"

Do you think I am living on a tiotal income of $615.00/month because it's fun?

If yes-- then jsyut let mek now... I'd be happy to see it done so I would know how to do it myself. Iam willing to learn from you, even your mistakes, so is there nothing of value that I can bring to this community???

Would you like to try going on welfare for three months or so? I think yo would enjoty the application process. After all there is nothing quite like it in the world.

So I was "ordered" not to vvolunteer, not to call the police if I hear bgun shgots, and I was ordered to use less than o100 words in every correspondence. There is something to be said for brevity, but their is also something to be sdaid about honesty, and isolation. SO tTHIS is my project to Save The Internet, because legal aid laughed at me when I told them that internet was scheduled to be diconnected.

Who needs internet anyway? Who needs information, communication and maybe even a small diversion from reality.

I foolishly believed that by volunteering in the community, I would come accross a real job with real wages and real benefits. Yeah, that was a great idea.

Don't worry.. I learned my lesson. I will volunteer no more. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

Let it be known I'm a pretty quick study. I was cursed with a exceptionally vivid memory, and my cortisol levels have been running since 1995. You fiugure it out. (Robert Sapolsky: Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers)

I am truly offended by the events that led people to call my family half way around the world and the country, when all they really needed to fdo was ask me. Not all "kids" are lost... some don't want to be found.

I was told to "go home." Well guess what, people? I am home.

Who thought it was a good idea to call my mommy and daddy to tell them how I am "embarrassing myself?"

Really??? Do You think they care? KUDOS TO YOU!

www.youtube.com/v/xumsvSi8qz0&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1">

Yes, I am reckless, I am loud, I am always right, and I am "out of my mind fucking nuts" also known as "OTWFN: Off The Wall Fucking Nuts" and that is the presumption. Don't forget, I am very much father's daughter, and am very much my mother's alibi. So thanks.

All the better for them because the crazier I am, the more credit they get for their excellent parenting. Guilty, as charged. I'm sooo embarrassed... how dare I post crazy shit like this online? Don't I know how bazzaar that seems? Don't you? Because let's face it... there are two possibilities:

(1) I'm telling the truth, and it is serious,

~or~

(2) I'm mot telling the truth, and it is serious

So for everyone who told me to go home... did you actually think my parents would rush in to rescue me? You have my parents would rush in to rescus me... sorry, but no. Now I'm stuck here.

And for the record, even suggesting that there is "home" to go to... well than YOU haven't been paying attention.

Don't you realize I am home?

I find it so hard to believe that after all this time people find it easier to speak around me and actrually think that is in my best interests? Sorry, but no.

And, you need not worry-- I don't need to be told twice where I'm not welcome.

I am less than 20 miles from several people who called Philadelphia, only to find that they don't want me either. Why would they possibly want to have me in their pristine, well-decorated homes when you paint such a lovely picture.

Guess what-- I' have never even seen my father's home... nor do I expect an invitation to Thanksgiving or Christmas.

So to all the people who "phoned home" to complain about e.d., job well done, you're stuck with me now.

And since I can't get a get a job, anmd I can't really afford the gas to go anywhere, I donb't think you need to call in a crisis team. I am perfectly happy sitting here by myself listening to my favorite youtube videos and thinking about everyone else tucjed safe and snug in their Ethan Allen beds. Good night to you all... you don't need to read this, and of course, you can ALWAYS hit delete.

That makes me sick. I never was really was a child, and it is really odd that people would start treating like one now. That is such bullshit, because child support was terminated on August 15, 1988. No other provisions were made, and I earned more money at 14 than I did in the last 10 years out together.

I miss The Barge. I think it is ridiculous that people would complain that I am "embarrassing myself.” At least I'm willing to take ownership of that one... was it less embarrassing to find out my mother contacted my professors and withdrew from classes because I was "too ill" to go to school.

Is any less embarrassing then being left at the airport on Thanksgiving Day? Or told that you do not deserve to go the dentist, that you can't sleep in the guest room if you have nightmares because you I might ruin the furnituDo think I actually give a shit about embarrassing myself? Do you think for a second they are counting on it? Did you think for one moment that there might, just, may be a reason I do not want to go home.

Is it less embarrassing than having your mother finds you "housing" at a long-term state psychiatric hospital, or being told that you might not have a fill on your soda because it cost $1.00? Is it any less embarrassing than finding out you have a new two months after he was born?

Yeah, I am embarrassed. Send me to Canada PLEEEZE!!!

Yes, I can act crazy. Yes, I may be crazy, and I sure a sh-t wish I was because there might be a possibility that created all of this "in my head.” It is not normal to have 43 addresses on file. It is not normal to care more about a cat than any single human alive. So, no, I am not normal, but does that make me bad? Does it make me dangerous? Does it want being told to "leave town" or take my own my own life so that society is not burdened by caring for me financially? Well, guess what-- I do not really care anymore, and there been many times in my life where I would rather not be alive, I refuse to let "them" Not like that.

So for so many people who have silenced me before, keep in mind I am NOT psychotic. And I am definitely mot "normal"

I am done. I so "over it" by now that if your embarrassed by my actions than you are giving me way too much power. I can own behavior, and I can accept my feelings. If you.

But I will not live in fear for the rest the of my life. And if I do get evicted tomorrow, so be it. It won't be the first time. And if your really lucky, there will some great new books donated to the public library. Yes, I AM ANGRY. Anger is a very strong emotion that is key to motivational theory. So yes, I am angry AND I am motivated.

According to my mother, lovely little creature that she is, I was evicted form childhood homes in Cherry Hill, Lawrence, Great Neck (North and South) and yes, of course, that was somebody else’s fault too.

Apparently was all my stepmother's fault. Nice. At least their mother would not allow them to be thrown away with each new boyfriend, tummy tuck, Jaguar or diamond ring.

So aren’t you guys glad you called my parents because now your stuck with me, my medical bills, and student debt. Isn't that special? I came here to work. I came here to be a part of something greater than myself. I came here to leave the past behind me. I filled my long nights volunteering at the Nashville Safehaven Family Shelter. I spent my days sleeping in four hour shifts, and hoping that my oh-so-vivid dreams might actually be pleasant for just one night.

So if and when I do leave, you can trust that I might just have to look back and think... about my death benefit under of $600 dollars and the mound of debt I acquired because no one thinks I am capable enough to work.

Why do I know that? Because I'm paying attention to the rules and I'm payoing attention to the news. It is not so random, and it not so crazy.

So here's your challenge: Blue vs. Blue; Curtis v. Klein, Varity v. Howe, and Pennsylvania Act 62. But don't worry, I'm am NOT a lawyer. And, for the record, I have never filed a single lawsuit in my entire life.

What the ~ is wrong with THAT picture??????

All I can say is this, I tried. I tried damn hard. But ya know, crazy is, crazy does.

Aren't you guys lucky to have me? This is my home. This WAS my home. Thanks for making me feel so welcome.

ed: over and out.