Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Write Words

When I first started posting this blog shortly after my 35th birthday, it was a gift to myself so I could live my life without being too scared that I might be discovered for being a little bit crazy, a little bit lonely, and making a whole lot of noise.

I started by disclosing my deepest secrets, often exposing to my deepest fears. Initially I chose the motto: "Too old to start over, Too young to forget."

Eventually that moniker evolved into something a little more challenging and inspirational, "Too old to start over, Too young to give up."

Now that my 36th birthday is now behind me, I plan to spend this anniversary celebrating my new age demographic bracket uncovering some the essays I have written that still need a little tweaking, and a whole lot of twacking! So be prepared to find a few typos, a few disconnected thoughts without making an obvious transition. Because I am naming the next phase of my life, you know, the "35 and up" phase, "Chapter II: A Little Bit Older, And a Whole Lot Bolder."

I have enjoyed the feedback I have gotten from so many people from all walks of life who have written in response to something I have written. Women I have never met, from places I do not know.

Women like Joy and Cat who encourage me to keep writing even if they disagree with some of my core values or excessive use of profanity. Women (or men) who have somehow managed to stumble across my writings in one of their many raw forms without realizing that just by contacting me, much of the fear and hesitation I once felt about publishing my collection of personal (and professional) essays have been replaced with a new found sense of pride and accomplishment. Fear and uncertainty have are quickly evolving into confidence and proliferation.

Personally, professionally, and spiritually, I hope to continue "kicking ass and taking names," because at this point in my life, it seems to be working. Maybe we should all start doing that a little bit more.. .holding ourselves and each other accountable for our actions... and at times our decision not-to-act.

You will notice that I am reclaiming my name and uncovering the many aliases I have used over the years... I am done hiding.

I'm am not perfect, and I will always struggle with my obsession to find just The Write Words, but I'm guessing it is probably good enough. Probably good enough so that most people will won't even notice if I forget to capitalize a proper noun or if I end a sentence with a preposition. So be it. How ironic that I happened to discover just today an essay I wrote for an application posted online? Sample of personal statement for pharmacy school -

Grassroots Advocacy. An interview with Stand for Children in Nashville, Tennessee. Content Producer: Elyssa Durant Published: Jan 10, 2008 ...

Sample of personal statement for pharmacy school -

Funny, because they didn't think I was good enough at the time. Subsequently... neither did I. Maybe they should consider retunrning returning the application fee.

You may also notice that I am reclaiming my name, and will be using try to cut down on the number of anonymous postings I listed under an alias because I was afraid I would be embarrassed if my work was not well received.

I am ranges from the less obvious accounts I have created to maintain a bit of distance between myself and my classmates, peers, and colleagues, but in addition to "Miss Elyss" or "Lyssie D." I am even willing to admit that I have created so many login accounts and user names to post anonymously, that I have forgotten most of the passwords to access my own content. But I am rather proud of the creativity I demonstrated when I came up with two of my personal favorites, "I.M.Phobic" and "EyePhobic." I never could get into that whole IM thing, webcam or chat rooms! The way I see it, it is bad enough i need to put on clothes and make-up to leave the house-- I'll be damned if I have to put on make-up to send an e-mail!

Yes, they were all me. They are a pert of me, because like so many women-- no... like so many people... I'm a little bit of everything... so for those of you who are listening and even to those of you who just wish I would shut the fuck up already; be careful what you wish for! The more content I create, the easier it becomes to let go... and the more I let go, the more I can heal. The more I can heal, the more I can focus on the academic issues that will always be my first and primary area of interest. However, it seems rather obvious to me now that the only way out is through. So, I will continue to write through the dark and hope that it I can become more present minded rather than being trapped by memories from the past.

To Joy, Cat, TA James, and a few others, thanks so much for the gift. I hope I can make you proud!

Tweet y'all later.... I really need to get some rest. The battle is still far from over.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you, Elyssa, for sharing your voice, your words, your writings. Guess I'd never be able to explain how much it means to me and how much encouragement I find in reading your blogs and tweets. You should reclaim your name, because you have every reason to be proud of what you do. Hope that I'll some day find a voice of my own and be bold enough to reclaim my name.

    Keep writing, Elyssa - and know that your writings will inspire and help others through the dark too.

    Mya (@almostvisible)


Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.