Who is Elyssa Durant?

I started a private site after my name, ID, medical and financial info was stolen, made public in Pastebin, and sold on T-shirts at the DefCon hackers conference. I took down this blog.

I never got one penny for the T-shirts and apparel sold and was never reimbursed for the damage done to my computer equipment and mobile devices as a result of HARD CORE hackers.

I was promised the T-shirts and promo ads would be pulled from the event and the black hat hackers known as Lulz, AntiSec, (Sabu and Co.) would take them down and refrain from using my likeness for promotional purposes.

They were not.

They used my name, my likeness, my photos, my social security number, my ID, my address and more to create a slew of fake social media accounts to post insane bullshit across a variety of platforms. 

They even socially engineered my closest friends and family members in various forums to reinforce the charade.

They claimed the T-shirts were for charity and that $1.00 would be donated for every ELyssaD garment sold.

Not only did I not receive any such monies, I am quite certain these fuckwits have no idea how serious it is to impersonate a 501(c)3.

So not only did they make a profit from exploiting every aspect of my life, they harassed my friends, impersonated an ex-cop who has been one of most trusted allies and confidant; threatened friends who dare to speak up on my behalf by calling them on the phone and identifying themselves as law enforcement. ANOTHER felony.

They made a profit. They offered a reward for tittie pics, had podcasts, comic books and sold a line of women's apparel to promote their podcasts, show and of course, make money.

They created multiple fake identities on various social media platforms. They pwned my website, social media accounts, linked in, private forums, etc...  harassed my friends and posted my fathers home address on the Internet.

They altered personal documents they stole from my private files, altered them, and had the nerve to put the FAKE documents back in to my web albums and made them public.

ONE LOGIN = ONE FELONY

Destruction of evidence (especially records that pertain to employee benefits is a whole other class of crimes)

These individuals are clearly guilty, and have no problem advertising their skills across the hacker community.

They destroyed my professional credibility with disinformation writing posting ridiculous website entries that present my professional certifications as a practicing therapist to make them appear as if I was the patient not the provider.

65 "people" impersonating me on social media platforms?

My friends, sister, brothers, my mother, and even "Agent Daddy" became targets as well.

I started this site hoping for a do-over.  My name is ELyssa. ELyssaD™ and, for he record I've never done midget porn!

Unwritten: Rant Page ONE

The "Neighborhood Watch" Monitor called me on my private number minutes after my post went up.

The same day the restraining order and statute of limitations to file charges for stalking, assault, theft and fraud expired.

I was advised by my (omitted) to file police report yesterday morning but my mother managed to completely fuck some more shit up and my Internet has been magically disconnected since she did not put security on the account when she transferred into my name (without telling me)

To receive that call was so disturbing that it took hours to calm myself enough to call the OIG.

They were closed. I will file a report in person when I receive a copy of the police report and restraining order from those corrupt mother fuckers in Nashville.

That the DailyDDoSe™ July 26, 2013 ©

Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Research & Policy Analyst

Working proposal for Ed Law Thesis
AND book proposal "Unwritten"

A collection of unwritten / abandoned works that I was too afraid to send, post, publish or share.

Morning Manifesto d'Jour

From: E
Date: April 25, 2013, 10:05:37 AM EDT
Subject: Re: Jude & Jaded

Morning manifesto
April 26, 2013
CyberCrimes, Law, Aspergers, Ethics

DRAFT on me iPhone 10:05am

I do believe that if "we" can prove CyberBullying is a crime and that is the only reason I subject myself to the vile messages and images that make me physically ill and nightmares 5 years after it happened.

If child commits suicide, people get outraged. If aspie gets upset or develops new symptoms or is afraid to seek treatment than it is because we "misread signals" or "have higher rate of depression, anxiety and suicide?"

I call bullshit. It makes all the more reprehensible. It is criminal negligence if people do not report this kind of behavior. Especially when it is done by people who have a legal "duty to report"

Furthermore, if this causes damage to their ability to use public domain is both illegal under the Federal Communication laws, ADA and 18 USC 1027.

I lost everything.

The last 72 hours I regressed into a 22 year old who was willing to risk going blind in one eye than listen to all the morons who tried to bully me into a dangerous situation that is still volatile because it kept me from focusing on what needs to be done and my inability to stop pacing in circles until I wear myself out and fall asleep for few hours.

I realize and act like a total freak and can hear people whisper or make me feel uncomfortable stimming of repeating phrases to myself to calm prevent winding up in the hospital because I can't handle the noise or bc I don't have comfortable clothes to wear, but I had to go with my gut and realize that if I don't speak up and try to make people understand how much has been lost in that time, they. Win.

And after so many years, people see posts from five years ago and use it as justification to harass me now.

I walk a fine line every second of every day.

Yes, I would rather people see all of the wonderful articles I have written, but instead they see all of the fake d0x and embarrassing letters from my mother doing what Leah is doing to you.

I know this is long winded and hope you are following the logic, but, as a 40 year old woman with multiple degrees form the Ivy League and a pretty decent résumé my mother claimed me as a dependent on her taxes when I was living on my own for 16 years. She claimed adult dependent child and refused to amend so I could get my benefits reinstated.

Six months ago she nearly killed me in her 60,000 car and WATCHED as her new (6 foot plus militant new husband) stood over my bed and broke my only lifeline because he did not like my music or the sound of my voice.

My mother stood in corner and watched and after he leaves tells me, "I'll slap you in the fucking head if I lose my home because of you."

Then she leaves and I call two NTs in nearby and ask if I can crash for a few days at a hotel to stay safe.

"'MY SON HAS AUTISM. I CAN'T AFFORD TO blah blah blah"

In the next breath he posts my name on his website AurismAid.org so he could exploit my work and appear legitimate resource for ASD when they did nothing to help me find resources or job since that would keep me from the brilliant work I did for charity event that never even took place.

Then, I actually donated $25 to their pseudo charity (anonymous donation but I have receipt) only to find out they are exploiting others with ASD and have no 501c3, business license or accreditation to train people on anything other than how to be a shady, creepy parent who solicits donations on FaceBook for his son who is unable to speak or use toilet at 15 years old.

I was outraged. I could not believe they were taking advantage of this horrible situation to gain knout and more Leah's to keep tell me that I am the bully when I expose the scam and refuse to approve a PR stunt to gain what he *thinks" is creds and respect for being a hero dad on GMA.

Well, I don't think that makes a hero or a man if he needs to prey on the weak and the sails using MY words with Obama's face in a PSA.

I was good enough to;

do the work (for free)

Get them tons of web traffic to trend on google

Looked good on paper with letters after my name

had access to people with deep pockets and good PR

Gave them the appearance of "hiring" people with ASD so they could appeal to anti AutismSpeaks crowd

BUT, I wasn't deemed good enough to step in when Obama and Jenny McCarthy declined to make a statement to public about Autism ??

When i saw the statement that I made without permission, citation, or credit, I hit the fucking roof. I quit immediately.

Then I get flood of DMs offering everything money if I went along with the charade promising followers on twitter?

HELLO? Wake the fuck up. I don't give fuck if you have 10,000 or 200,000 followers who are willing to post bullshit and lies all over the web.

In fact, the idea that these people are SO pathetic that they need to exert their "influence" using these tactics is so much MORE pathetic, opportunistic, offensive and sad.

It is totally defeats the purpose because they use that influence to silence anyone who is either brave or stupid enough to stand refuse to comply.

This is Nazi science 101.

(Hope You are following thus far because my arms really hurt)

So, I start tweeting (thinking out loud) the way I do when I need to hear click of keyboard and heat my own voice say the words out loud as I pace until they come out sounding just right.

Gonna have to take break because I have been writing these words and concepts for years and will eventually put the pieces all together if I ever get a computer I can figure out how to use)

I waited, and waited and waited for years to see if anyone would ever see the pain and the logic of this ridiculous role I have taken on and uncover the message I am trying to put out there for future generations when they attempt to make sense out such a "virtual" reality that will either kill me or save me if I can get off this rock (or at times make it through the day without wishing I will find something to make this life worth living again.

Many people have told me that the world would be better off if I had nerve been born or I would just kill myself since they feel I am less than human and don't deserve to eat or have Internet or medical care since I am apparently THAT much of a financial burden on society.

Yes can be impulsive, compulsive, and self righteous BUT my logic is flawless given the right tools and opportunity to make my petty existence tolerable on the off chance that future generations or alien life forms will realize that I am different and "crazy" but one hell of a friend when the shit hits the fan.

I gotta go. I haven't slept more than 4-6 hours since my mother showed up and tried to take me to the ER so she could show off her parenting skills and have one more reason to gain sympathy and jeers from her friends or hit pay dirt and convince doctors or herself that I am causing her problems and try to stick me in a facility like Credemore so she can collect the insurance she took out on me the day before I moved in.

Better off dead? Maybe.

Willing to pull the trigger? Not on your fucking life. I would not give then the satisfaction.

And for every person who does not stand with me or will use this as more "proof" that I don't deserve to breathe or use the Internet to distract, numb, or inspire others by refusing to just disappear doesn't appreciate what I giving back to anyone who wants to know why I do what I do.

Over. And over. And over again. Until somebody listens. Or I find another way to entertain myself!!

Yes. I have video. And it ain't pretty after walking home from the hospital in 80 weather wearing black pants and the only sweater that fits.

Maybe I'll get online and order myself a pink Tank top off JadedExposure

You would think the bastard would give me one for free. But oh no. Can't have the real Elyssa on the air. It would ruin the show if they actually aired my response and statement when I answered the phone and duh. They did not even use block on caller ID.

Those bitches need to die.

That is the DailyDDoSe June 26, 2013

Just me,

e
@ELyssaD™

http://elyssadurant.com
http://powersthatbeat.com

^ed

On Apr 25, 2013, at 7:35 AM, AK wrote:

Yes, it should all be addressed legally. Leah, Heather, Ariane, Ib and others should have criminal records too. Leah should not be allowed to be a teacher running classrooms of kids. But the authorities will never get involved in blog wars and online bullying unless it turns to violent crime. I'd like to make some kind of Internet self-policing system, but I don't know how it would work. I've been so stressed from thinking about all of this that it is hard to concentrate on anything anymore. It is affecting my ability to survive, and they will never be brought to justice.

On 04/24/2013 11:24 PM, Elyssa wrote:

Just me,

e
@ELyssaD™

http://elyssadurant.com
http://powersthatbeat.com

^ed

Begin forwarded message:

From: [omitted]
Date: April 25, 2013, 1:14:47 AM EDT
To: Elyssa
Subject: Re: Jude & Jaded

Dear ^ed,

Yeah, I've seen jaded's crap before. So sorry but this is a form of cyberbullying that should be addressed via legal channels. Ugh!

Ad hominem attacks are common amongst the idiot set. Hope all is well in your mental universe. These people are nowhere. ;) Be of good cheer?
Luv ya...

Your friends,

Vax & Krewe

PS: Sorry about the belated response. Haven't been to email for many a day.

On 4/22/13, Elyssa wrote:
JadedSecurity » Who is Elyssa Durant??

http://jadedsecurity.net/2011/06/20/who-is-elyssa-durant/

Just me,
e
@ELyssaD™
http://elyssadurant.com
http://powersthatbeat.com
^ed

--
"…a statute which either forbids or requires the doing of an act in
terms so vague that men of common intelligence must necessarily guess
at its meaning and differ as to its application violates the first
essential of due process of law." United States Supreme Court,
Connally v. General Const. Co,. 269 U.S. 385 (1926)

Schwartz, Heather E. Cyberbullying. North Mankato, MN: Capstone Press, 2013. Save to EasyBib

Brown, Tracy. Cyberbullying: Online Safety. Save to EasyBib

Parks, Peggy J. Cyberbullying. San Diego, CA: ReferencePoint Press, 2013. Save to EasyBib

Kowalski, Robin M., Sue Limber, and Patricia Agatston W. Cyberbullying: Bullying in the Digital Age. Malden, MA: Wiley-Blackwell, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying--: Are You Switched On? [Scotland]: Respectme, 2009. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying--: Are You Switched On? [Scotland]: Respectme, 2009. Save to EasyBib

Breguet, Teri. Cyberbullying. NY: Rosen, 2007. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying Development, Consequences, Risk and Protective Factors. Psychology Pr, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying Development, Consequences, Risk and Protective Factors. Psychology Pr, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Raatma, Lucia. Cyberbullying. Danbury, CT: Children's Press, 2013. Save to EasyBib

Scherer, Lauri S. Cyberbullying. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2011. Save to EasyBib

Raatma, Lucia. Cyberbullying. Danbury, CT: Children's Press, 2013. Save to EasyBib

Bauman, Sheri. Cyberbullying: What Counselors Need to Know. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association, 2011. Save to EasyBib

Gerdes, Louise I. Cyberbullying. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Gerdes, Louise I. Cyberbullying. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Kowalski, Robin M. Cyberbullying. Chicester: WILEY-BLACKWELL (AN IMPRINT OF JOHN WILE, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Kowalski, Robin M. Cyberbullying. Chicester: WILEY-BLACKWELL (AN IMPRINT OF JOHN WILE, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Campbell, Marilyn, and Marilyn Campbell. Cyberbullying: Legal Implications for Schools. East Melbourne, Vic.: Centre for Strategic Education, 2010. Save to EasyBib

MacEachern, Robyn, and Geraldine Charette. Cyberbullying: Deal with It and Ctrl Alt Delete It. Toronto: J. Lorimer &, 2008. Save to EasyBib

MacEachern, Robyn, and Geraldine Charette. Cyberbullying: Deal with It and Ctrl Alt Delete It. Toronto: J. Lorimer &, 2008. Save to EasyBib

Smith, Peter K. Cyberbullying: Abusive Relationships in Cyberspace. Toronto: Hogrefe, 2009. Save to EasyBib

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Cyberbullying: Supporting School Staff. [Annesley]: DCSF Publications, 2009. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying: Supporting School Staff. [Annesley]: DCSF Publications, 2009. Save to EasyBib

Roleff, Tamara L. Cyberbullying. Detroit, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Roleff, Tamara L. Cyberbullying. Detroit, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Save to EasyBib

Mora-Merchán, Joaquín, and Thomas Jäger. Cyberbullying a Cross-national Comparison. Landau: Verl. Empirische Pädagogik, 2010. Save to EasyBib

Rogers, Vanessa. Cyberbullying: Activities to Help Children and Teens to Stay Safe in a Texting, Twittering, Social Networking World. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2010. Save to EasyBib

Cyberbullying: A Cross-national Comparison. [S.l.]: Verlag Empirische, 2011. Save to EasyBib

Cyberstalking: A New Challenge for Law Enforcement and Industry : A Report. [Washington, D.C.]: U.S. Dept. of Justice, 1999. Save to EasyBib

Belik, Cornelia. Cyberstalking: Stalking Im Internet, Foren, Newsgroups, Chats, per EMail ; Ergebnisse Einer Online-Befragung Von Opfern, TäterInnen Und Indirekt Betroffenen. Norderstedt: Books on Demand, 2007. Save to EasyBib

Belik, Cornelia. Cyberstalking: Stalking Im Internet, Foren, Newsgroups, Chats, per EMail ; Ergebnisse Einer Online-Befragung Von Opfern, TäterInnen Und Indirekt Betroffenen. Norderstedt: Books on Demand, 2007. Save to EasyBib

Casey, Eoghan. Digital Evidence and Computer Crime: Forensic Science, Computers and the Internet. San Diego, CA: Academic, 2000. Save to EasyBib

Lebo, Laura E. Cyberstalking: An Existing Problem Ignited by Advancing Technology. 2006. Save to EasyBib

Lucks, Bonnie D. Cyberstalking: Identifying and Examining Electronic Crime in Cyberspace. 2004. Save to EasyBib

Ogilvie, Emma. Cyberstalking. Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology, 2000. Save to EasyBib

Hiller, Janine, and Ronnie Cohen. Internet Law & Policy. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2002. Save to EasyBib

Rose, Veronica. Cyberstalking. Hartford: Connecticut General Assembly, Office of Legislative Research, 2009. Save to EasyBib

Bocij, Paul. Cyberstalking: Harassment in the Internet Age and How to Protect Your Family. Westport, Conn [u.a.: Praeger, 2004. Save to EasyBib

Anders, Anne, and Christine Gallas. Cyberstalking: Prävalenz, Risikofaktoren Und Auswirkungen Auf Die Betroffenen. S.l.: S.n., 2010. Save to EasyBib

Port, Verena. Cyberstalking. Berlin: Logos Verl., 2012. Save to EasyBib

Hess, Kären M., and Henry Wrobleski M. Police Operations: Theory and Practice. Belmont, CA: Thomson/Wadsworth, 2006. Save to EasyBib

Port, Verena. Cyberstalking. Berlin: Logos-Verl., 2011. Save to EasyBib

Jarurattananon, Kannika. Cyberstalking: Analysis of Legal Response and Solutions in the UK, with Reference to Other Jurisdicions. 2008. Save to EasyBib

Bocij, Paul. Cyberstalking: Harassment in the Internet Age and How to Protect Yo
Sent from my BlackBerry® RIM Job

Unwritten: Holding Cell

Here we go again. My cell is hacked. Again.

CUIT closed incident report and no one responded from Public Safety as I was told by the help-LESS desk every time I report security breach.

I filed multiple reports with all my ISPs that were compromised using a sophisticated hacking tools combined with social engineering techniques making it near impossible to explain to 99% of the human race who simply can not understand why I can't just fix it by changing my password.

I have been dealing with this ridiculous situation for so long that I am all too familiar with ignorant and judgmental InfoSec elitist and law enforcement who seem to think a stolen cellphone does not warrant a police report or follow up call to Computer Crimes and the Fraud Unit.

CyberSecurity has become a pretty hot topic for *most* informed people. The police searched my cell and deleted evidence. They came to my home. Without a warrant. No official complaint.

Clearly I must be either stupid, paranoid or crazy to believe the police report got "lost" in the mail.

I am now escalating my complaint to whomever I need to in order to have this resolved one way of another.

I have to hack (back) into my own cellphone because the OIG requested as that I provide as much detail as possible. Kinda hard when the evidence keeps getting deleted or corrupted in transfer.

You want detains? Good. That happens to be one of my strong suits.

Annoying? Yes.

Loquacious and verbose? Absolutely.

Thorough and an eye for details and specifics? Absolutely.

Love to hate me? Don't worry, you are in good company.

I am reposting a few KEY documents that went through CUIT since no one took this seriously three years ago.

That is all. For now.

Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Research & Policy Analyst

Sent from my BlackBerry® RIM Job

Unwritten: March 26, 2002, 7:10:26 AM EST

Date: March 26, 2002, 7:10:26 AM EST
To: dr T
Subject: uncensored.

naked. raw and exposed.... i'm sorry to be me. i am ashamed and
embarrassed and yet I am strangely in control...


******
and such are my insecurities-- for whatever it is worth, and that may
be quite a bit, this was the original message I wrote you-- but I
sent it to myself and sent you an abbreviated version.

i think the uncensored version was better. i try to be articulate.
i try to intersting. i try to be normal.

i need someone to hear what I'm not saying-- sometimes-- I don't like
talking in riddles all the time. I don't like onsessions and
ruminations. i don't like explaining the obvious-- I don't
understand why it must be so complicated. i have one task. I have
no idea how to complete my task so I must keep searching.

I developed new skills last night-- my car is still having problems
and then my phone locked up. i was completely lost on Sunrise
Highway and could not find my way home (though I wasn't quite sure
where my final destination would. I finally realized that I needed
to pull over every 20 minutes to plan a short term traffic route.

Forcing myself to stop for about 40 minutes each time I got lost
allowed me to get through the emotions of the whole thing. You see I
pulled over at a diner in Longbeach and they were able to reconnect
my phone so I could call someone for directions or support or
whatever! As I sat on the phone with tech support for over an hour,I
started noticing that there were people sleeping in parked cars in
the same lot. I couldn't tell if the couple that just emerged from
the car 2 spots to the left were conducting an underage indiscretion
or committing a felony in the back seat... as I noticed others
around me, I settled in to my home for the night. I did not feel so
paranoid anyomre about shuffling about in my saomewhat respectable
Honda Civic. I almost forgot for a while that I was lost. So I took
a baby step to the next place-- and what an experience. I was still
lost but closer to my destination-- and again, settled into another
brightly lit parking lot by a "execu-stay" type of hotel/motel. This
was working, so why rush. Why so frantic. Even with the phone, the
car situation did not improve because I simply had no one to casll.
Even if someone had come to get me-- where would I go? Where would I
put my things?

So I finally made it over to the closed Starbucks on the perimeters
of the Hofstra campus. I was the only car in the lot-- and I boldly
parked facing forward and watched the police race by me wihtout
notice. I became very sad for this world just around then. They
were racing around and it tooks about 30-35 minutes before a cop car
drove up to me in the parking lot.

Saddened by the reality that my suspicious activity was did not invite
further inquiry, I had already decided to tell them the truth even
before the car pulled up next to me in the lot. I did not even
bother to park in a space-- I boldly parked horizontally taking up
two or three spaces up front placing myself in an obvious and
precarious situation. Do you think they knew it wasn't the first
time? Do you think they saw through my decidedly in-your-face stance
and tactics and saw this as a thinly disguised effort to feign
temporary homelessness. Or would they be back tomorrow night?

To be continued.

this is me. uncensored. please don't be scared. if you don't want
to read anymore-- I won't send anymore.

I'm tired. Time to go to sleep. But I have no Pepe. I have no
home.

-edd


i want to be normal. i want to be normal. i wish I understood the
conventional traditions the family unit. i am strangely unfamiliar
to any culture. I want to be part of your world. Would they know I
am an imposter. This just got painful. I'm out--



----- Forwarded message from Elyssa Durant <----
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 02:12:16 -0500 (EST)
From: Elyssa Durant
Reply-To: Elyssa Durant
Subject: testing 1, 2, 3
To: me

What else did you think I might be doing on a Saturday night?

A welcome evening at home with Tori, Alanis, and the information
superhighway.

I had a computer virus (I think I mentioned it) "Nimda" and it
completely erased all of my "registry data" and I have to start from
scratch-- I should only be so lucky to lose all of my memory
especially that "RAM."

I'm kind of scared to send you an e-mail-- free-range ranting and
writing helps me to color outside the lines a bit-- I get lost "in
the moment" and some people think it brings out the worst (but some
times the best, too)

This is the dreaded editing that occurs when I lose myself somewhere
between brilliance and madness.

All of my journal entries for the past 2 years will be wiped clean
from my computer-- my mother has expressed her satisfaction with the
situation-- as if getting rid of the journals could ever set me
free...
___________________________________________________
Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.


Those who say it can not be done should not interrupt the person
doing it ~~ Chinese Proverb



----- End forwarded message -----





Admin

Trapped

Have you ever been trapped?

I am not talking about your every day run-of-the-mill subway congestion or an elevator that is filled beyond capacity.  

Trapped.

No way out.

Paralyzed.

Frightened, frustrated, angry and desperate.

Like any ordinary "normal" person, you are going about your daily activities and the next moment you are drowning in unfamiliarity.  In reality, little has changed.  Sadly, nothing has changed.  Minutes, hours, years have passed... but nothing has changed.

Despite evidence to the contrary, your actions seem to have no consequence.  

This is how I feel.  Not as often as I used to, but more often than I care to admit and more often then I would like.  It leaves me paralyzed-- much like a deer frozen by the illuminating light of oncoming traffic.

It is a short journey from the trigger back to the beginning.  

I wonder what I may do if my task was completed.  It is my greatest hope to find a place where I can end this debilitating madness.  Just break the cycle. Free.

Free from the need to provide objective verification of my physical existence and a rational basis for a seemingly bizarre obsession.

I know these things.  I organize my life in a sequential, numerical, historical, logical order where everything has a designated beginning, middle and end.

There must be a place where reason and purpose replace obsessions and insanity.  

Can anyone understand this madness?  Why can't you see how simple everything is for me?

I need things to be simple.

My patterns seem so obvious. Pay attention!  What seems like chaos to you serves as my salvation.  Don't you see how resourceful I am?

I know my methods are rigid but they are clearly consistent with my "mission" in life.  

Few can be bothered with the elegant simplicity of my rituals.  My behaviors are rational! They protect my delicate foundation. I do not have far to fall.

I need an out!

Why question my methods? 

By collecting physical evidence of my experiences and transient existence, I can be someone. Someone with a past, a present, maybe even a future.

I collect, therefore I am.

Look! I have proof! History. References.

I want to be part of your world.  Really I do.  

I want roots, consistency and foundations.  I want high school reunions and a hometown.

My task must be finished!  It is destroying my relationship with my future self.  My soul is withering away beneath this desperate facade.  

Please give me a moments consideration and see me.  

I am not cruel.  I am not evil.  Nevertheless, I am so alone and isolated.  I am here and I am ready.  I am ready to end this endless search for home.  But how?

I need you.  I need you to help me find a place where I can feel comfortable ending this vicious cycle.  

I am looking to you... the collective you of humanity to help me through this time of need and uncertainty.  

All I seek is compassion, empathy, and understanding. I continue my search hoping I am not completely alone in my quest.

Restoring order dominates my very existence. Keeping me trapped in the past; invading the present; dictating my actions through repetition, ruminations, anxiety and fear inhibiting my growth and progress.

I do not have it in me to climb out of another depression.  

Don't you see how this life is breaking me?

If only I had the same resignation and grace of that lone Buck crossing a quiet country road, I would cherish the instant where I am faced with certain death or total salvation.

I would search for a sanctuary where forgiveness replaces damnation.

For one instant, I would welcome the challenge to live freely in this brave new world...  to explore and run free on a distant, winding path.

I would stand proud, defiant, and free.

Really, truly, trapped.  

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.  © 2002-2013