Things That Keep Me Up at Night Twenty Questions

Twenty Questions


1. Can I buy a cemetery plot in cyberspace?

2. Why is it illegal to commit suicide?

Correction: It is not illegal to commit suicide, it is only a crime if you are unsuccessful. Perhaps we should make attempted suicide a capital offense?

3. Can I get course credit for traffic school?

4. Who do you call when 911 puts you on hold?

5. Will the Department of Education ever realize it would be cheaper to hire me than harass me?

6. Shouldn't my financial planner be required to have good credit?

7. Why can't I find the word "synonym" in the thesaurus?

8. Have you ever needed a map to find items inside your own home?

9. Does Walt Disney have a death certificate since if he is indefinitely suspended in a cryogenics lab?

10. Why is it so much easier to lose my keys when I put them in an obvious place?

11. Is an accidental life insurance policy really an appropriate graduation gift?

12. Why buy life insurance to pay my final expenses? Who gets paid first: The tax man or the funeral director?

13. Have you ever received a check in the amount of 31 cents?

14. Have you ever been *69'd by the suicide prevention hotline?

15. Why do I have to make copies of documents I wish I could destroy?

16. Would you rather witness your own birth or at your own funeral?

17. Which would you rather be: a homeless person with agoraphobia or a claustrophobic inmate?

It is far better to be a homeless person with agoraphobia than a claustrophobic inmate. The homeless person could always commit a crime and get locked up. Problem solved!

18. Why is it so easy to remember the things I would like to forget?

19. Have you ever used a map so you can't find your way home? Have you ever felt lost when you finally get there?

20. Have you ever just asked yourself, "What the F*ck???" (Tom Cruise, Risky Business)