Ain't Even Done With The Night

Older & Bolder

I first started posting this blog shortly after my 35th birthday. It was a gift to myself so I could live my life without being too scared that I might be discovered for being a little bit crazy, a little bit lonely, and making a whole lot of noise.

I started by disclosing my deepest secrets, often exposing to my deepest fears. Initially I chose the motto: "Too old to start over, Too young to forget."

Eventually that moniker evolved into something a little more challenging and inspirational, "Too old to start over, Too young to give up."

Now that my 36th birthday is just around the corner (actually, more like an intersection) I plan to spend the last few days I have in this demographic bracket uncovering some the essays I have written that still need a little tweaking, and a whole lot of twacking! 

So be prepared to find a few typos, a few disconnected thoughts without making an obvious transition. Because I am naming the next phase of my life, you know, the "35 and up" phase, "Chapter II: A Little Bit Older, And a Whole Lot Bolder."

I have enjoyed the feedback I have gotten from so many people from all walks of life who have written in response to something I have written. Women I have never met, from places I do not know.

Women like Joy and Cat who encourage me to keep writing even if they disagree with some of my core values or excessive use of profanity. Women (or men) who have somehow managed to stumble across my writings in one of their many raw forms without realizing that just by contacting me, much of the fear and hesitation I once felt about publishing my collection of personal (and professional) essays have been replaced with a new found sense of pride and accomplishment. Fear and uncertainty have are quickly evolving into confidence and proliferation.

Personally, professionally, and spiritually, I hope to continue "kicking ass and taking names," because at this point in my life, I may actually start doing that a little bit more.

You will notice that I am reclaiming my name and uncovering the many aliases I have used over the years... I am done hiding.

I'm am not perfect, and I will always struggle with my obsession to find just The Write Words, but I'm guessing it is probably good enough. Probably good enough so that most people will won't even notice if I forget to capitalize a proper noun or if I end a sentence with a preposition. So be it.

You may also notice that I am reclaiming my name, and will be using try to cut down on the number of anonymous postings I listed under an alias because I was afraid I would be embarrassed if my work was not well received.

I used an alias instead of my own name-- I have created countless screen names (some better than others) to maintain a bit of distance between myself and my classmates, peers, and colleagues.

In addition to "Miss Elyss" or "Lyssie D." I am even willing to admit that I have created so many login accounts and user names to post anonymously, that I have forgotten most of the passwords to access my own content. But I am rather proud of the creativity I demonstrated when I came up with two of my personal favorites, "I.M.Phobic" and "EyePhobic." I never could get into that whole IM thing, webcam or chat rooms! The way I see it, it is bad enough i need to put on clothes and make-up to leave the house-- I'll be damned if I have to put on make-up to send an e-mail!

Yes, they were all me. They are a pert of me, because like so many women-- no... like so many people... I'm a little bit of everything... so for those of you who are listening and even to those of you who just wish I would shut the fuck up already; be careful what you wish for! The more content I create, the easier it becomes to let go... and the more I let go, the more I can heal.

The more I can heal, the more I can focus on the academic issues that will always be my first and primary area of interest. However, it seems rather obvious to me now that the only way out is through. So, I will continue to write through the dark and hope that it I can become more present minded rather than being trapped by memories from the past.

To Joy, Cat, TA James, and a few others, thanks so much for the gift. I hope I can make you proud!

The curious can find anything and everything! I often wonder why it is so much easier for others to to get my information about me than it is for me to get about myself!

I'm a digger. To be clear, that is "digger." I never use the "N" word, and I'm way too proud to marry for money.

I'm a digger. I love information. I love to find, I love to collect it, but most of all, I love to use it.  I love to dissect it, analyze it, formulate new questions and ponder the answers. I love the journey of natural inquiry... never knowing where my racing mind will take me, often surprised surprised by the answer, but always, always intrigued by the things I encounter along the way.

So I set out to find the answer to one question, and instead I find myself asking a million more. It keeps me up at night, and allows me to avoid the day.  My life is not unexamined, and my thought patterns may be far from typical, but the things I have learned along the way are by far the most intriguing and most unique. I am not afraid to ask questions, nor am I afraid that I don't have all the answers.

As a digger, I do know that it is the path least taken: the creative, atypical mind; that is riddled with creativity, tangential thoughts and questions that often deliver the most interesting answers. But sometimes, it is the answers that deliver us to the most interesting questions. 

We often think that questions drive the inquiry-- at least that's what they tell us in school. To use the "Scientific Method." And of course, to never, ever color outside the lines. But aren't the best discoveries the ones we weren't searching for? The unexpected gift... the non-occasion.

The beauty is in the every day. The challenge is in the unexpected. Call me crazy if you like (and many have) but I can assure you that there will come a day when all of that R.A.M. will come in handy. I am definitely asking the right questions... and maybe one day you will too.

Finding my voice has allowed me to appreciate the silence. The hours between dusk and dawn where the rest of the world sleeps and I dig. I dig and I write. I fill the lonely hours with my innermost thoughts, and my very best friend. So as the rest of the world sleeps soundly, surrounded by loved ones in a sanctuary they call home, I fill myself with books, journals and information. Lots and lots of information.

Who would have thought that loneliness can become a family in it's own right? It is always there and it is always familiar. That solitude can become our greatest companion and that strangers can become our best friends.

I miss New York. I miss Dr. Stu. I miss Jefferey and I miss Todd. I miss my wild, brilliant friends plagued by curiosity, insomnia, and creativity.

Hey boys-- guess what? I'm coming home!

Let's go to hot and crusty at 3 a.m. when everything really is, yes, "hot and crusty!" Lets go the Internet cafe across from the Hello Kitty store and wake up old friends that actually dare to sleep when it is dark out???

WAKE-UP TODD! I've been calling you for hours! I have a joke to I want to tell you!

New York, New York... The "City" that never sleeps?

See I don't think it was ever really about the city, I think it is more about the anonymity. Someplace you can be yourself, and never worry about being judged by your in-bred hillbilly neighbors who are, in all honesty, much more focused on raising hell then raising children... To them, I am "strange." I am "weird." I am "Italian." or "Jewish" or "something!" because I talk really really fast!

You are all wrong: I'm from New York!

So while you sleep, I dig. I learn , I question, and I write. But I do it alone, and I'm starting not to like so much.

So for all of you out there who are insomniacs: "writers," "consultants," "perpetually un and underemployed yet overqualified" computer geeks -- please enjoy my video blog below.

I chose a few songs have keep me company at night. Just loud enough to drown out the drunk couple outside my window having yet another domestic dispute, but low enough so that the neighbors downstairs won't complain. Hopefully, you will know some of the selections that have kept me dancing in the living room into the wee hours of the morning, and can learn something about my favorite word if you are paying attention...

You'll find all of my favorites in one place. So enjoy the trip my friends, it's getting early for some, but late for others, and I've got some shit to do before the world wakes up, because to quote John Cougar (or is it Mellencamp?)

 I Ain't Even Done With The Night!

DESCRIPTION: Everything from my favorite word to my favorite website. There's something in there for pretty much every mood-- songs to make you cry, videos to make you laugh. Political ads that make you sick and some that will give you chills-- but at least they make you feel!!! Finding my voice, and hearing those of strangers has given me the strength I needed to move on.

So for so many of you who have contacted me lately, via the web, via your cell phone, or even by way of a nasty website-- stand tall and stand close because much like fear, courage also rubs off on you somehow when you are surrounded by the right people. So a big shout out, and a sincere word of thanks to all of you who have helped to find my voice once again and the courage to say whatever is on my mind... Say it loud, say it proud, just say it!

I will not be ignored and I will not be forgotten. But guess what, Here Comes the Sun. I made it through night and now it's time to go, because that was SO yesterday! Thanks for giving, good luck forgetting!

Elyssa D'Educrat 

Elyssa D. Durant

Chillieh Penguin 

DailyDDoSe 

PowersThatBeat 

All me ©️ 2020

YouTube Playlist

via darknightdurant.blogspot.com

Trapped

Have you ever been trapped?

I am not talking about your every day run-of-the-mill subway congestion or an elevator that is filled beyond capacity.  

Trapped.

No way out.

Paralyzed.

Frightened, frustrated, angry and desperate.

Like any ordinary "normal" person, you are going about your daily activities and the next moment you are drowning in unfamiliarity.  In reality, little has changed.  Sadly, nothing has changed.  Minutes, hours, years have passed... but nothing has changed.

Despite evidence to the contrary, your actions seem to have no consequence.  

This is how I feel.  Not as often as I used to, but more often than I care to admit and more often then I would like.  It leaves me paralyzed-- much like a deer frozen by the illuminating light of oncoming traffic.

It is a short journey from the trigger back to the beginning.  

I wonder what I may do if my task was completed.  It is my greatest hope to find a place where I can end this debilitating madness.  Just break the cycle. Free. Free from the need to provide objective verification of my physical existence and a rational basis for a seemingly bizarre obsession.

I know these things.  I organize my life in a sequential, numerical, historical, logical order where everything has a designated beginning, middle and end.

There must be a place where reason and purpose replace obsessions and insanity.  

Can anyone understand this madness?  Why can't you see how simple everything is for me?

I need things to be simple.

My patterns seem so obvious. Pay attention!  What seems like chaos to you serves as my salvation.  Don't you see how resourceful I am?  I know my methods are rigid but they are clearly consistent with my "mission" in life.  

Few can be bothered with the elegant simplicity of my rituals.  My behaviors are rational! They protect my delicate foundation. I do not have far to fall.

I need an out!

Why question my methods? 

By collecting physical evidence of my experiences and transient existence, I can be someone. Someone with a past, a present, maybe even a future.

I collect, therefore I am.

Look! I have proof! History. References.

I want to be part of your world.  Really I do.  

I want roots, consistency and foundations.  I want high school reunions and a hometown.

My task must be finished!  It is destroying my relationship with my future self.  My soul is withering away beneath this desperate facade.  

Please give me a moments consideration and see me.  

I am not cruel.  I am not evil.  Nevertheless, I am so alone and isolated.  I am here and I am ready.  I am ready to end this endless search for home.  But how?

I need you.  I need you to help me find a place where I can feel comfortable ending this vicious cycle.  

I am looking to you... the collective you of humanity to help me through this time of need and uncertainty.  

All I seek is compassion, empathy, and understanding. I continue my search hoping I am not completely alone in my quest.

Restoring order dominates my very existence.  Keeping me trapped in the past; invading the present; dictating my actions through repetition, ruminations, anxiety and fear inhibiting my growth and progress.  I do not have it in me to climb out of another depression.  

Don't you see how this life is breaking me?

If only I had the same resignation and grace of that lone Buck crossing a quiet country road, I would cherish the instant where I am faced with certain death or total salvation.  I would search for a sanctuary where forgiveness replaces damnation.

For one instant, I would welcome the challenge to live freely in this brave new world...  to explore and run free on a distant, winding path.

I would stand proud, defiant, and free.

Really, truly, trapped.  

Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.  © 2002

Lost

Naked.

Raw.

Exposed.

I am ashamed and embarrassed, yet I am strangely in control.

And such are my insecurities-- for whatever it's worth, and that may be quite a bit, this was the original message I wrote, but I sent it to myself and sent you an abbreviated version.

I think the uncensored version was better. 

I try to articulate.

I try to be interesting.

I try to be normal.

I need someone to hear what I'm not saying-- sometimes-- I don't like talking in riddles all the time.  I don't like talking in riddles all the time. I don't like obsessions and ruminations.

I don't like explaining the obvious.  I don't understand why it must be so complicated. 

I have one task. I have no idea how to complete my task, but I must keep searching.  

I developed new skills last night.  My car is still having problems and then my phone locked up.  I was completely lost on Sunrise Highway and could not find my way home (though I wasn't quite sure where my final destination would be.)  

I finally realized that I needed to pull over every twenty minutes to gather my bearings and plan a short term traffic route.  Forcing myself to stop for about forty minutes each time I got lost allowed me to process the emotions of the whole thing.

I pulled over at a diner in Long Beach and they were able to reconnect my phone so I could call for directions or support, or whatever!  

As I sat on the phone with tech support for over an hour, I started noticing that there were people sleeping in parked cars a few spaces away.  I couldn't tell if the couple that just emerged from a car just two spots away were committing an underage indiscretion or a felony in the back seat.  

As I noticed others around me, I wasn't so frightened anymore and I settled into my home for the night.  I did not feel so uncomfortable shuffling around in my somewhat respectable Honda Civic.  I almost forgot for a while that I was lost so I took a baby step to the next place and what an experience.  I was still lost but closer to my destination.  

This time I settled into a "execustay" type of hotel/motel.  This was working, so why rush. 

Why so frantic? 

Even with the phone now working, the car situation had not improved and I simply could not think of anyone to call.  Even if someone could come and get me, where would I go? Where would I put my things?

So finally, I made it over to Starbucks on the perimeter of the Hofstra Campus.  I was the only car in the lot, and I boldly parked facing forward and watched the police race by me without notice.  

I became very sad for this world just around then.  They were racing all around me and it took about 30-35 minutes before a cop car pulled into the parking lot.

Saddened by the reality that my suspicious activity did not invite further inquiry, I had already decided to tell them the truth before they pulled up to me in the lot.  

I did not even bother to park in a space.  I boldly parked horizontally taking up two or three spaces placing myself in a precarious situation.

Do you think they knew it wasn't the first time? 

Do you think they saw through my decidedly in in-your-face tactics and saw this as a thinly disguised effort to feign temporary homelessness? 

Would they be back tomorrow night? Would I?

Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.  © 2002

Why I deleted this website to start anew...

I started this private site after my name, ID, medical and financial info was stolen, made public in Pastebin, and sold on T-shirts at the DefCon hackers conference.

I never got one penny for the T-shirts and apparel sold and was never reimbursed for the damage done to my computer equipment and mobile devices as a result of HARD CORE hackers.

I was promised the T-shirts and promo ads would be pulled from the event and the black hat hackers known as Lulz, AntiSec, (Sabu and Co.) would take them down and refrain from using my likeness for promotional purposes.

They were not.

They used my name, my likeness, my photos, my social security number, my ID, my address and more to create a slew of fake social media accounts to post insane bullshit across a variety of platforms. 

They even socially engineered my closest friends and family members in various forums to reinforce the charade.

They claimed the T-shirts were for charity and that $1.00 would be donated for every ELyssaD garment sold.

Not only did I not receive any such monies, I am quite certain these fuckwits have no idea how serious it is to impersonate a 501(c)3.

So not only did they make a profit from exploiting every aspect of my life, they harassed my friends, impersonated an ex-cop who has been one of most trusted allies and confidant; threatened friends who dare to speak up on my behalf by calling them on the phone and identifying themselves as law enforcement. ANOTHER felony.

They made a profit. They offered a reward for tittie pics, had podcasts, comic books and sold a line of women's apparel to promote their podcasts, show and of course, make money.

They created multiple fake identities on various social media platforms. They pwned my website, social media accounts, linked in, private forums, etc...  harassed my friends and posted my fathers home address on the internet.

They altered personal documents they stole from my private files, altered them, and had the nerve to put the FAKE documents back in to my web albums and made them public.

ONE LOGIN = ONE FELONY

Destruction of evidence (especially records that pertain to employee benefits is a whole other class of crimes)

These individuals are clearly guilty, and have no problem advertising their skills across the hacker community.

They destroyed my professional credibility with disinformation writing posting ridiculous website entries that present my professional certifications as a practicing therapist to make them appear as if I was the patient not the provider.

65 "people" impersonating me on social media platforms?

My friends, sister, brothers, my mother, and even "Agent Daddy" became targets as well.

I started this site hoping for a do-over.  My name is ELyssa. ELyssaD™ and, for he record I've never done midget porn!

The Projects

Just had a funny thought!

You know how much crack I could get this weekend? People are trading electronics in the parking lot for drugs. Too bad I don't smoke crack!

Trying to arrange for *worthy* charity to donate  my stuff to because I don't want these filthy crackheads to sell or trade my beautiful things for drugs when I leave.

I watched the property "monitor" take multiple items out of apartments after they mysteriously disappeared leaving all their belongings behind.

I heard they were deported by 287(g) but they could have easily been murdered or killed like the man who lived down the hall and no one would be the wiser since despite the OBVIOUS "foul play" the landlord didn't even know that the police found his naked dead body in the middle of January after he started to smell a little.

I wonder what happened to his things after they changed the locks three weeks later!

Dumpster diving is common place around here... Sometimes they are looking for drugs or prescription bottles to refill; other times they are hiding from the police inside the closed dumpster in the dead heat of summer...

But as sure as I'm sitting here right now, I watched the "monitor" take a briefcase, dishes, and some other items right out of their apartment into his own home.

Other employees took furniture, electronics and clothing away in their "Academy" Moving Truck (same company that moved me from one crime infested property to another) and the same "COMPANY" that collects the trash and mows the fence (true story)

I'll be damned if these animals raid my apartment the minute they think I'm gone and put their dirty hands on my property so they can get a rock or a few tabs.

I don't even care if sell my second hand TV for diapers at this point. I am *that* desensitized to their needs after seeing how they behave and operate.

One hell of a case study.

Participant observation sucks.

I don't recommend it to anyone who thinks it sounds interesting or exciting. It's not.

You may get a best seller, a movie deal or 15 minutes of fame, but you will pay a price.

I guarantee you will never look at social welfare programs OR human beings the same way again.

They simply don't deserve my help or anyone else's.

I don't regret the years I spent volunteering my time or resources to help the poor or the needy gain access to public resources and government programs, but I can now see that these programs are a total charade and do more damage than good to the community as a whole.

So as my time here comes to a close, I am both better and worse from the experience.

I no longer feel the need or desire to "help" people who don't appreciate the services they receive, and I especially hate the "agencies" who profit off government contracts and rake in millions through public private ventures providing sub-standard care and unfit living conditions to the tune of many millions of dollars.

In reality these "Projects" are modern day slavery and social darwinism and genetic engineering designed to keep the people sick, confused, and completely dependent upon the corrupt system by flooding their "homes" with drugs, crime, chemicals, and black budget babysitters like V who look the other way to keep REPORTED crime rates down so the police and the city don't lose their precious funding.

She gets it. And she wants out!

Thank god I haven't lost too much of myself from this "experiment" to go back to my real life and work on something more worthy of my time and energy than live in disharmony with these animals.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Now that I have my exit date, all I need is a title that can compete with some of my favorite authors, scientists and visionaries that inspired me to write this book.

Gorillas in the Midst, The Jungle, Nickel and Dimed, Bait and Switch, Orwell's Animal Farm AND 1984, Kafka and the Truman Show all mixed into ONE helluva game changer!

From an "UNDISCLOSED LOCATION" I bid you good night.