Unwritten: March 26, 2002, 7:10:26 AM EST

Date: March 26, 2002, 7:10:26 AM EST
To: dr T
Subject: uncensored.

naked. raw and exposed.... i'm sorry to be me. i am ashamed and
embarrassed and yet I am strangely in control...


******
and such are my insecurities-- for whatever it is worth, and that may
be quite a bit, this was the original message I wrote you-- but I
sent it to myself and sent you an abbreviated version.

i think the uncensored version was better. i try to be articulate.
i try to intersting. i try to be normal.

i need someone to hear what I'm not saying-- sometimes-- I don't like
talking in riddles all the time. I don't like onsessions and
ruminations. i don't like explaining the obvious-- I don't
understand why it must be so complicated. i have one task. I have
no idea how to complete my task so I must keep searching.

I developed new skills last night-- my car is still having problems
and then my phone locked up. i was completely lost on Sunrise
Highway and could not find my way home (though I wasn't quite sure
where my final destination would. I finally realized that I needed
to pull over every 20 minutes to plan a short term traffic route.

Forcing myself to stop for about 40 minutes each time I got lost
allowed me to get through the emotions of the whole thing. You see I
pulled over at a diner in Longbeach and they were able to reconnect
my phone so I could call someone for directions or support or
whatever! As I sat on the phone with tech support for over an hour,I
started noticing that there were people sleeping in parked cars in
the same lot. I couldn't tell if the couple that just emerged from
the car 2 spots to the left were conducting an underage indiscretion
or committing a felony in the back seat... as I noticed others
around me, I settled in to my home for the night. I did not feel so
paranoid anyomre about shuffling about in my saomewhat respectable
Honda Civic. I almost forgot for a while that I was lost. So I took
a baby step to the next place-- and what an experience. I was still
lost but closer to my destination-- and again, settled into another
brightly lit parking lot by a "execu-stay" type of hotel/motel. This
was working, so why rush. Why so frantic. Even with the phone, the
car situation did not improve because I simply had no one to casll.
Even if someone had come to get me-- where would I go? Where would I
put my things?

So I finally made it over to the closed Starbucks on the perimeters
of the Hofstra campus. I was the only car in the lot-- and I boldly
parked facing forward and watched the police race by me wihtout
notice. I became very sad for this world just around then. They
were racing around and it tooks about 30-35 minutes before a cop car
drove up to me in the parking lot.

Saddened by the reality that my suspicious activity was did not invite
further inquiry, I had already decided to tell them the truth even
before the car pulled up next to me in the lot. I did not even
bother to park in a space-- I boldly parked horizontally taking up
two or three spaces up front placing myself in an obvious and
precarious situation. Do you think they knew it wasn't the first
time? Do you think they saw through my decidedly in-your-face stance
and tactics and saw this as a thinly disguised effort to feign
temporary homelessness. Or would they be back tomorrow night?

To be continued.

this is me. uncensored. please don't be scared. if you don't want
to read anymore-- I won't send anymore.

I'm tired. Time to go to sleep. But I have no Pepe. I have no
home.

-edd


i want to be normal. i want to be normal. i wish I understood the
conventional traditions the family unit. i am strangely unfamiliar
to any culture. I want to be part of your world. Would they know I
am an imposter. This just got painful. I'm out--



----- Forwarded message from Elyssa Durant <----
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 02:12:16 -0500 (EST)
From: Elyssa Durant
Reply-To: Elyssa Durant
Subject: testing 1, 2, 3
To: me

What else did you think I might be doing on a Saturday night?

A welcome evening at home with Tori, Alanis, and the information
superhighway.

I had a computer virus (I think I mentioned it) "Nimda" and it
completely erased all of my "registry data" and I have to start from
scratch-- I should only be so lucky to lose all of my memory
especially that "RAM."

I'm kind of scared to send you an e-mail-- free-range ranting and
writing helps me to color outside the lines a bit-- I get lost "in
the moment" and some people think it brings out the worst (but some
times the best, too)

This is the dreaded editing that occurs when I lose myself somewhere
between brilliance and madness.

All of my journal entries for the past 2 years will be wiped clean
from my computer-- my mother has expressed her satisfaction with the
situation-- as if getting rid of the journals could ever set me
free...
___________________________________________________
Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.


Those who say it can not be done should not interrupt the person
doing it ~~ Chinese Proverb



----- End forwarded message -----





Admin

Trapped

Have you ever been trapped?

I am not talking about your every day run-of-the-mill subway congestion or an elevator that is filled beyond capacity.  

Trapped.

No way out.

Paralyzed.

Frightened, frustrated, angry and desperate.

Like any ordinary "normal" person, you are going about your daily activities and the next moment you are drowning in unfamiliarity.  In reality, little has changed.  Sadly, nothing has changed.  Minutes, hours, years have passed... but nothing has changed.

Despite evidence to the contrary, your actions seem to have no consequence.  

This is how I feel.  Not as often as I used to, but more often than I care to admit and more often then I would like.  It leaves me paralyzed-- much like a deer frozen by the illuminating light of oncoming traffic.

It is a short journey from the trigger back to the beginning.  

I wonder what I may do if my task was completed.  It is my greatest hope to find a place where I can end this debilitating madness.  Just break the cycle. Free.

Free from the need to provide objective verification of my physical existence and a rational basis for a seemingly bizarre obsession.

I know these things.  I organize my life in a sequential, numerical, historical, logical order where everything has a designated beginning, middle and end.

There must be a place where reason and purpose replace obsessions and insanity.  

Can anyone understand this madness?  Why can't you see how simple everything is for me?

I need things to be simple.

My patterns seem so obvious. Pay attention!  What seems like chaos to you serves as my salvation.  Don't you see how resourceful I am?

I know my methods are rigid but they are clearly consistent with my "mission" in life.  

Few can be bothered with the elegant simplicity of my rituals.  My behaviors are rational! They protect my delicate foundation. I do not have far to fall.

I need an out!

Why question my methods? 

By collecting physical evidence of my experiences and transient existence, I can be someone. Someone with a past, a present, maybe even a future.

I collect, therefore I am.

Look! I have proof! History. References.

I want to be part of your world.  Really I do.  

I want roots, consistency and foundations.  I want high school reunions and a hometown.

My task must be finished!  It is destroying my relationship with my future self.  My soul is withering away beneath this desperate facade.  

Please give me a moments consideration and see me.  

I am not cruel.  I am not evil.  Nevertheless, I am so alone and isolated.  I am here and I am ready.  I am ready to end this endless search for home.  But how?

I need you.  I need you to help me find a place where I can feel comfortable ending this vicious cycle.  

I am looking to you... the collective you of humanity to help me through this time of need and uncertainty.  

All I seek is compassion, empathy, and understanding. I continue my search hoping I am not completely alone in my quest.

Restoring order dominates my very existence. Keeping me trapped in the past; invading the present; dictating my actions through repetition, ruminations, anxiety and fear inhibiting my growth and progress.

I do not have it in me to climb out of another depression.  

Don't you see how this life is breaking me?

If only I had the same resignation and grace of that lone Buck crossing a quiet country road, I would cherish the instant where I am faced with certain death or total salvation.

I would search for a sanctuary where forgiveness replaces damnation.

For one instant, I would welcome the challenge to live freely in this brave new world...  to explore and run free on a distant, winding path.

I would stand proud, defiant, and free.

Really, truly, trapped.  

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.  © 2002-2013

Unwritten: A Letter from my mom

I just watched both "Secret Garden" videos again.

They are absolutely my favorite ones ever.

Your focus is definitely more positive and I hope that it is indicative that you are moving towards being in a better place emotionally.

I want you to be be happy and believe in your self worth.

I told you earlier today that I believe that you have a purpose in life and are a very special person.

You have the ability to enlighten others. I felt happier after viewing your videos.

Thank you for sharing them with me.