The APPEAL had given me for the thirteen months I actually believed somebody was listening. WRONG AGAIN! That false strength I kept in reserve to keep going was the part of me that needed to believe that I haven't lost everything. It gave a false sense that somebody was actually listening.
I WAS WRONG.... THE APPEAL WAS NEVER REVIEWED. AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A DAMN THAT THIRTEEN MONTHS HAVE PASSED, AND MY BENEFITS ARE MORE SCREWED UP THAN EVER!
So listen carefully, my friends. It was not too long ago that I had almost everything a young person needs to succeed in this world.
Or maybe not.
As for my most current insurance dispute... I feel that I have done everything humanly possible to be sympathetic towards health care provider who is NOT providing care. I cannot sacrifice my own well being for every bright eyed bushy tailed wanna be who is too stupid to see that I am far from.
I had such a battle this week. It culminated in the end like every other battle I have taken on. I only won because ultimately but we are all losing.
For every under qualified, health care provider who has NOT provided the adequate, there are many more like me. Alienated just enough to give up on fashion, etiquette and social norms; but not enough to walk away from it all.
We are keeping watch. We are taking names, and I for one do not give a rat's ass about "keeping the peace."
Having been on both sides if the proverbial couch, I have the perspective is both enlightening and scary at the same time.
I look back and want to say shout "told you so" from the nearest roof top.
Crazy is crazy does... out loud. I may be enjoying this just a little too much.sometimes
I try to look at this fight, (I meant to say this life) objectively.
I can see my own future, and I can see where it is taking me. I know how it will end if I don't keep up the pace.
It is amazing at how far we will go to have nothing at all.
I have come this far, and on some level I almost enjoy the dance. No. On some level, I actually love the dance.
Then there are days like this.
Because without this turmoil, this exercise in futility, absurdity, government waste, bureaucracy, irreverent disregard for basic human kindness, decency and humanity-- and all long to go to the kind of place I hear about from Dreamon.
He speaks of a place called Neverland. You see, I don't know the story of Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and I have no idea who Wendy is. Of course I've heard of Tink (though I hear she is a pain in the ass ;) but only because I like glitter pens and fairy dust. I don't know these things, because I don't know the innocence, the purity, the make believe world of childhood. I never had one.
I knew cruelty... and though I am not cruel, this is who I am at this very moment: Dark, discouraged, and deeply disappointed.
What if this is all that there is for me? If I can never break free from this cycle of insanity, and trust me when I say the insanity I speak of is NOT in my head. We have all heard the expression insanity is the sane response to insane surroundings; let me assure that there are very few cases that rival mine. I am the stuff psychologists, sociologists, and the occult speak of behind closed doors. My sister and I were raised this way. She may be a lawyer, she may have good credit, she may have a lot of things, but while my father took me to see the same shrink that treated Danton, Milken, Masrtronardo and more, he took her to see a psychiatrist who specialized in serial killers.
So I wonder, and you should too... did he take us there to be healed or did he take us there to create our futures? I will never be good enough for him. Thank god jesus allah and the power invested in this little stupid wifi device... his vision of us, his vision of U.S. is wrong.
I know this now. I didn't know then. I have proof now. I hardly even need it. It all out in the open and I am glad. Never again should the FBI create hatred, men so indoctrinated by power that they have such little regard for human life that they treat their children the same way they treated John Africa and the thirteen members of MOVE the day the Powers That Beat decided it was long overdue to take John Africa out. So what if thirteen people died with him... who cares about the 5 children who died along with him?
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn, Burn, mother fucker, burn.
And they did. And they died. May 13, 1985.
Burned forever in my mind, and it should be in yours too. OUR COUNTRY. OUR PEOPLE. OUR GOVERNMENT.
FUCK YOU AMERICA! FUCK THE US FOR FUCKING US ALL! And thank you daddy, for letting N in on the secret. Now what?
What else would call if not the City of Brotherly Love?
I do. Because my daddy told me to shoot them ya know... just in case. Daddy lost his first and only trial and the CITY of Philadelphia decided it was time to take him out.
No. I won't give up now. I could be next! (As I laugh my fucking ass off!!!!!)
What if I have nothing left? What if the Hook does NOT bring me back?
This demonstration and project in futility and determination has defined me for so long, that without it, I'm not sure if I am anything at all.
fuck that... yeah... Reality Bytes. But I won't play dead, and I won't pretend my name is not Elyssa Danielle Durant. My Daddy changed his, my gold-digging bitch of a mother changed her name 5 times, now with $250K invested in it, her face and her body are quite lovely too.
Mumia is STILL on death row. The 39th District is corrupt to the core. The MAYOR dropped the bomb. May 13, 1985. No longer sealed, and I am no longer hiding, Now I know, why my life stopped when it was about to start. I know the truth, and the feds know I'm certifiable. So you decide...
~~~~~this where I must break~~~ all in due time my friends~~~~
I can't lose what I never had. I won’t be another sell-out... mostly because I don't know how.
I am the voice of perseverance. I am one voice of perseverance. I am one of 47 million Americans. And today I am I am still fighting the good fight.
This battle; this challenge; this half won war this fight has come to define me. And without that, I am not really much of anything at all...
As someone once told me, if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. I've already fallen, but I sure as shit stand for something.
So for now, I write. Maybe later listen. And if there is any justice left in this world, maybe someday, I'll actually live.
Elyssa Durant
Nashville, Tennessee
Parts previously posted at United Professionals under: An Appalling Appeal
