Trapped

Have you ever been trapped?

I am not talking about your every day run-of-the-mill subway congestion or an elevator that is filled beyond capacity.  

Trapped.

No way out.

Paralyzed.

Frightened, frustrated, angry and desperate.

Like any ordinary "normal" person, you are going about your daily activities and the next moment you are drowning in unfamiliarity.  In reality, little has changed.  Sadly, nothing has changed.  Minutes, hours, years have passed... but nothing has changed.

Despite evidence to the contrary, your actions seem to have no consequence.  

This is how I feel.  Not as often as I used to, but more often than I care to admit and more often then I would like.  It leaves me paralyzed-- much like a deer frozen by the illuminating light of oncoming traffic.

It is a short journey from the trigger back to the beginning.  

I wonder what I may do if my task was completed.  It is my greatest hope to find a place where I can end this debilitating madness.  Just break the cycle. Free.

Free from the need to provide objective verification of my physical existence and a rational basis for a seemingly bizarre obsession.

I know these things.  I organize my life in a sequential, numerical, historical, logical order where everything has a designated beginning, middle and end.

There must be a place where reason and purpose replace obsessions and insanity.  

Can anyone understand this madness?  Why can't you see how simple everything is for me?

I need things to be simple.

My patterns seem so obvious. Pay attention!  What seems like chaos to you serves as my salvation.  Don't you see how resourceful I am?

I know my methods are rigid but they are clearly consistent with my "mission" in life.  

Few can be bothered with the elegant simplicity of my rituals.  My behaviors are rational! They protect my delicate foundation. I do not have far to fall.

I need an out!

Why question my methods? 

By collecting physical evidence of my experiences and transient existence, I can be someone. Someone with a past, a present, maybe even a future.

I collect, therefore I am.

Look! I have proof! History. References.

I want to be part of your world.  Really I do.  

I want roots, consistency and foundations.  I want high school reunions and a hometown.

My task must be finished!  It is destroying my relationship with my future self.  My soul is withering away beneath this desperate facade.  

Please give me a moments consideration and see me.  

I am not cruel.  I am not evil.  Nevertheless, I am so alone and isolated.  I am here and I am ready.  I am ready to end this endless search for home.  But how?

I need you.  I need you to help me find a place where I can feel comfortable ending this vicious cycle.  

I am looking to you... the collective you of humanity to help me through this time of need and uncertainty.  

All I seek is compassion, empathy, and understanding. I continue my search hoping I am not completely alone in my quest.

Restoring order dominates my very existence. Keeping me trapped in the past; invading the present; dictating my actions through repetition, ruminations, anxiety and fear inhibiting my growth and progress.

I do not have it in me to climb out of another depression.  

Don't you see how this life is breaking me?

If only I had the same resignation and grace of that lone Buck crossing a quiet country road, I would cherish the instant where I am faced with certain death or total salvation.

I would search for a sanctuary where forgiveness replaces damnation.

For one instant, I would welcome the challenge to live freely in this brave new world...  to explore and run free on a distant, winding path.

I would stand proud, defiant, and free.

Really, truly, trapped.  

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.  © 2002-2013

Unwritten: A Letter from my mom

I just watched both "Secret Garden" videos again.

They are absolutely my favorite ones ever.

Your focus is definitely more positive and I hope that it is indicative that you are moving towards being in a better place emotionally.

I want you to be be happy and believe in your self worth.

I told you earlier today that I believe that you have a purpose in life and are a very special person.

You have the ability to enlighten others. I felt happier after viewing your videos.

Thank you for sharing them with me.

Unwritten: Independence Day

IIt seems painfully obvious to me now that the only way out was through... 

If had known then what I know now, I would not have wasted so much precious tiine searching for the source of my profound 

sadness. 

I can no longer allow myself to be drawn into this circle madness.

I have spent far too long asking myself, how did I get here? 

I think it is time to reframe the question. Rather than ask myself how I got here, I need to ask myself, how do I get out?

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. © 2009

 

Book Review: Examinations: Comparative and International Studies

Book Review by Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.

Eckstein, M. A., & Noah, H. J. (1992). Examinations: Comparative and international studies. Oxford: Pergamon Press. 

Chapters 8 and 9 by Philip J. Foster

In this chapter, Foster discusses the certainty of examinations as something which exists not as a social phenomenon independent of their place in education. 

Like previous commentators, Foster also points out the discrepancy in the views educators hold regarding examinations: those who argue examinations are necessary to maintain educational standards; and those who believe such exaniinations undermine the mission and philosophy of American education. 

Foster believes both of these views to be lacking a critical historical and social perspective necessary to understand the role and function oftesting in American society. 

Foster believes his role as a sociologist is different than that an educator or a psychometrician, and bases his discussion "legitimacy" and "content". 

Foster discusses the rapidly changing economy whereby Third World Countries are beginning to resemble their Western counterparts in the transformation from a subsistence economy to a monetary economy. 

This is making social status structurally  different by changing the social roles from ascribed to achievement based. 

This new found social organization is heavily reliant upon academic achievement. 

Foster states that in Third World Countries, examinations are far more determinant of social mobility and status than in Industrialized Nations.  He goes on to state that despite the deleterious effect examinations have on pedagogical practice, they remam a better option than other methods of social mobility since they remain the only "universalistic" means of performance appraisal. He refers back to Heyneman & Ransom's paper which points out that public perception and opinion of evaluation measures are critical to effective policy implementation and reform. 

In conclusion, Foster argues that examinations need not propel the rote perpetuation of a fixed body of knowledge, but can serve as a an instrument of cumcula change. He states that the Heyneman & Ransom proposed role of examination agencies may be a good one for financial reasons it may be an impossibility. 

Foster suggests that an external world organization provides financial aid and personnel training to help subsidize educational testmg agencies whereby the investment could yield long-term gains. 

Submitted for course credit in doctoral studies for the Advanced Seminar in Ed Policy and the Sociology of Evaluation. CRN TF6525. TC, Columbia University.

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. © 1995-2013 

What the Fuck is an EFF-bot?

I have to say that I think there have been several Twitterbots created just for me.  Such as the @effbot or the @Swear_Bot and let is not forget the cute and lovable #twensored duck.  

I could swear the effbot was so hot on my trail, that within 15 minutes of sneaking in a different hashtag to outsmart the effbot; it added that code as well (#EFF) and started hijacking those tweets as well.  

Yes, I do believe I am being followed by a bot.  Does that make me grandiose or paranoid?

So much so, that I in a couple of friends to test the Bot – to see just how much human supervision a Bot needs in order to function and evolve. 

We learned very quickly that the effbot had somehow singled me out. I wrote the effbot a letter and asked him to give me the “F” word back, but the effbot did not reply.  

I took it upon myself to say #EFF the #EFF'n effbot!   

I don't know when the effbot was created (of course I am writing while the Twitter is down so I have no way of checking) but about three weeks ago I woke to find a whole bunch of tweets with the hashtag #EFF.  

At first I assumed that it was just a polite way of sneaking in the word "fuck" into a tweet.  So I used it everywhere. I would say #EFF you, or #EFF that.  And before long people started asking what the #EFF does #EFF mean?  

I got replies listing everything from “Early Follow Friday” to the “Electronic Foundation Frontier”  So I spent about 48-72 hours trying to figure out what the #EFF is #EFF.  

All this for an eff’n Bot? 

You see at first the effbot only picked up tweets that used "eff" in sequence.  For example, "I am so eff'n late for work" or, "Twitter really needs to fix the eff'n problem with @replies."

So my initial response was to hit retweet and I typed into my mini QWERTY keys on the TwackBerry and wrote, #EFF=FUCK.

Well this confused some people why was I saying the f-word in response to an innocent tweet.    Well I don't remember anything about that tweet except that someone had asked "what is #EFF?" 

Well of course, being barely awake and reading the miniature font on the screen of my BlackBerry, I was eager to jump in to the conversation and screen there some confusion over the meaning of what I now know to be a is called a hashtag) of the "hashtag" #EFF.

Realizing that people were confused that I was assigning a "superlative" to a hashtag, I decided to go on a mission to uncover the significance of #EFF.  

So I took it a step further, and responded with some = from the Spanish Inquisition: Forbidden Use of Carnal Knowledge.

Alternatively, from England where one (well, I suppose two) people had to get permission to engage in sexual relations; warranting a notice that read, "Fornication Under Consent of the King."

So I woke up one morning and saw one of my favorite twitterbuds latest tweet #EFF.  Now bear in mind that I was brand new to twitter, had never heard the word hashtag and was determined to figure out what the damn EFFbot was. 

Turns out it was used by one of two groups of people: pussies who are too PC to use the F word and those who support internet freedom and the Electronic Freedom Foundation or eff.org

It took me a while to figure it out, but I'll never forget the flood of eff'n tweets that got me through one of the darkest times of my entire life. 

Bring on the EFF-bot. How I loved thee. 

Elyssa D'Educrat © 2009-2013